Parts of a Whole: Dream Within A Dream
by GrimBarillian
Summary: Speedy has been keeping a dangerous secret from the Titans now things have gone to far. The secret is out but at a great cost. Speedy teeters on the fine line between life and death, here he must find a balance or lose his life and his wont be the only one lost. *Second in series*
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**AN: This story is meant to take place about two years after my previous story, Lilacs and Candle Smoke. It does not necessarily draw on that story or relate directly to it, but later in the story references will be made that would be better understood if you have read that story first. Thank you.**

No one could deny it anymore, he had an addiction. Bumblebee had tried talking to him but he blew her off saying it wasn't a big deal, it was recreational and his own business. She didn't like it and she took every opportunity to try to get him to stop but so far it hadn't helped at all.

It had started off as no big deal, at first no one even knew. He almost seemed happier more relaxed. He was still himself he hadn't changed. But slowly he started to act differently, he was moody, and he had fits of anger and grief. Then he got a little wilder, his nights off became a trash magazine's dream come true, bar fights, partying, public outbursts. His team didn't know what was going on or how to help; every time they tried to talk to him about it he just ignored them or told them to mind their own business.

It wasn't until Titans West came to have another Video Game Tournament that they all found out what was really going on and how bad it had gotten. Cyborg, Beast Boy, Aqualad, Mas and Menos all took their places around the T.V. shouting out how much better they were than each other and arguing about the gaming order; Bumblebee and Robin were sitting at the dining table discussing the security systems of their respective towers. Starfire was in the kitchen making something only she would be willing to eat, Raven was in a corner reading a rather large book, and Speedy was nowhere in sight.

The boys had finally decided who would go first when a loud thud was heard; everyone turned to the sound and found Raven's large book on the ground with her standing above it looking paler than usual, she stared straight ahead as if she were looking at something, but nothing was there. Whatever she was seeing it seemed to scare her.

"Raven, what's wrong?" asked Robin cautiously reaching a hand out as he slowly walked towards her.

Raven just stood there for a moment not moving or saying anything, Robin reached out to her ever so carefully and as he placed a hand on each of her shoulders she looked up at him as if his physical contact had brought her back from where ever she had just been, her eyes lit up with a white glow and a look of sadness crossed over her face as she whispered "Speedy." and lost consciousness.

Robin caught her in his arms just before she hit the ground; he held her close as he shouted orders to the other Titans to search for Speedy. It was clear that none of the Titans West team wanted to leave Raven but they did as they were told, Titans East were just as concerned, but knowing that Raven was an empath they were also concerned about Speedy.

"It's ok Raven, I'm right here; I'm not going to leave you. You're going to be fine, the team will find Speedy and he will be fine, everything is going to be fine."

Robin held Raven close to him as he rocked her back and forth stroking her violet hair. He was overcome by a familiar feeling of helplessness, when he had held her after her father had turned her into a seven year old version of herself and again when he had held her after she lost everything she had loved, all he wanted to do was save her from whatever it was that threatened her.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Titans had tried to track his communicator but found he had left it behind. Bumblebee gave each of them a list of places Speedy had been frequenting lately; they were all a little shocked by some of the places on the list. When everyone had left to their assigned destinations Cyborg approached Bumblebee.

"What's going on with Speedy."

"He's just having a rough time lately." Bumblebee couldn't look him in the eye.

"A rough time? That's what you're going with? I may not live in this city, but I have spent enough time here to know some of the places on this list, they're not good places. In fact some of these places even the people we fight wouldn't show their faces. So why is Speedy hanging out there?"

"What are you trying to say Cyborg. Speedy is a member of my team and a hero, he does good for this city and I won't stand here and let you bad mouth him!" Her voice was angry, but Cyborg could see the tears she was trying to hold back.

Cyborg reached a hand out to her shoulder.

"Karen, talk to me. I know he's a member of your team, and that's family. But I have family to, and right now my little sister is lying on your living room floor unconscious with his name on her last breath. I care about Speedy too and I can see the hurt in your eyes, so tell me what's going on. For real."

Bumblebee crumbled into him and let the tears fall, she stood there for a few moments finally allowing herself to feel the pain and sadness she had been holding in for weeks.

"I don't know what happened Vic, I don't know what changed or why he changed. It's been going on for a few weeks, maybe longer. I don't know. But I should have known! I am his leader, his friend, I'm his family! Damn it Vic why couldn't I see it sooner!"

Cyborg held her close with one hand along the small of her back while the other lightly rubbed the back of her neck in a comforting gesture.

"It's ok, just tell me."

"I hoped he would stop on his own, I thought he was just having a hard time and he would work it out. But he didn't it just kept getting worse and worse, and when I finally did talk to him he shut me out. Then I was just too scared. I was afraid what everyone would say, the assumptions they would make, he's a good man! I know he is still a good man! He hasn't hurt anyone, and I make sure when we go on a mission that it stays that way. But I just don't know what to do. I can't help him. I don't know how."

Bumblebee paused and thought for a moment, she was still afraid to tell anyone the truth, afraid that they would judge him, or kick him out of the Titans. But she was also afraid of how he would react, that he might see it as a betrayal and blame her for the fallout. He was her brother in every way that mattered and she wanted to fight for him and fight anyone that threatened him. But this time, it seemed that the only way to fight for him was to tell the truth and accept the consequences.

"He's on drugs. Heroin, pain killers, drinking heavily. I don't know what else. He has been getting in fights around town, kicked out of bars, almost thrown in jail a few times. I managed to keep a lot out of the papers and called in a few favors to keep him from getting into trouble. But he keeps doing it, more and more. I don't even think he can stop. I think he's addicted."

Bumblebee couldn't cry anymore. Her emotions were mixed, she was relieved to finally tell someone, tortured by guilt for telling his secret, and exhausted from finally letting it all hit her. Cyborg still held her close; she couldn't see the look that passed over his face as she told him everything, sadness, anger, guilt. Speedy was his friend to, how could he not have known something was going on. He held her for another moment and then pulled away and lifted her chin to look at him, her eyes were red rimmed from all the tears she shed, and it broke his heart to see everything she had been carrying inside with no one to help her.

"Ok here's what's going to happen, I'm going to check every place on this list and I am going to find Speedy and bring him home. Then we are all going to help him through this, because we are a family, Ok?"

Bumblebee nodded lightly.

"Ok, I need you to go back to the tower, now look I know you want to find him, but I promise you I will bring him home. But Robin needs to know what's going on, and with what happened to Raven he needs to know before he sees a strung out Speedy ok?

You need to prepare him, I know it's not easy but you are the only one who can talk to him and make him understand, leader to leader."

Bumblebee was not looking forward to talking to Robin, but she knew Cyborg was right. She straightened herself up and wiped away any remaining tears and nodded in agreement to him.

"Ok. Just let me know when you find him." Her voice cracked; inside she chastised herself for not keeping it together.

Cyborg again held her; he placed his forehead against hers and told her everything would be alright. He kissed her forehead and let her go. Bumblebee watched him get into his beloved T-Car and allowed herself just another moment of being just another person allowed to show how much they feel before putting back on the face of a Titan.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Cyborg contacted each of the Titans and found that there were only three places left to search for Speedy. Starfire and Beast Boy were at the docks, Mas and Menos the warehouse district, and Cyborg headed to Buiford's Pub. Aqualad went in search of some of Speedy's friends to see when they had seen him last.

Beast Boy had become a blood hound, using a shirt from Speedy's room he was trying to catch his scent while Starfire took an aerial view of the docks.

Beast Boy was almost ready to give up because of so many different scents when he heard Starfire call out to him and he ran in her direction. He came around a corner just as Starfire landed, he saw the form of Speedy on the ground his back facing them.

"Oh friend Speedy I hope you are not hurt!" shouted Starfire as she approached an unconscious Speedy.

"Star wait!"

"Friend Beast Boy I don't understand friend Speedy does not respond, why should I not help him?"

"Just give me a sec Star, he doesn't smell right." Beast Boy approached Speedy's unconscious form cautiously, as he got closer the mix of smells got worse. He couldn't recognize most of them. But as he reached Speedy he could see the marks on his arm, the bruises from each needle he stuck himself with. Beast Boy felt a knot in his stomach.

As he looked at Speedy's face he could see the color was drained out of him, he got closer fearing that if when he searched for a pulse he wouldn't be able to find one. He was happily wrong, but his pulse was weak and his body was cold.

"What has happened to friend Speedy?" Starfires eyes and hands began to glow green as she saw that was obviously not ok, "Who has done this to our friend?"

"Star I need you to call Cy right now and tell him we found Speedy ok? Tell him to meet us back at the tower. Right now!"

As soon as she turned away Beast Boy gathered the items that sat next to Speedy. Starfire was such a happy and innocent person, she fought bad guys everyday but she still wasn't really aware of all the bad things that can happen to people. He didn't know how to explain that Speedy had overdosed on drugs and could possibly die; he couldn't explain that Speedy had done this to himself. Starfire returned and picked up Speedy and immediately flew in the direction of the tower, Beast Boy pulled out his communicator and called Cyborg back.

"Star is on her way back to the tower, she has Speedy, but, dude, I found these," Beast Boy held up his evidence bag of needles and pill bottles. "he overdosed man. " he couldn't keep the sadness out of his voice.

Cyborg was silent on the other end, but the expression on his face clearly showed how much it hurt to find out what happened.

"Damnit. I was hoping it wouldn't be this bad. Head back to the tower, we'll talk there."

"Wait! You knew? You knew he was doing drugs?!" Beast Boy let his anger show.

"BB listen I just found out today. Bee told me, no one else knew."

"How could she not tell anyone?!"

"She was trying to protect her family! Look let's just talk about it at the tower after we know Speedy is ok."

"Fine. whatever." Beast Boy closed his communicator before Cyborg could respond. He shifted into an eagle and carrying the bag in a talon he flew toward the tower.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As Cyborg approached the entrance to the commons area he could here muffled shouting, any other day he would have rushed in guns blazing to beat down the intruder, but today, today he knew there was no intruder. He took a breath and gave himself a moment before he opened the door.

"How could you keep this from us!"

"Es nuestro familia tambien! Porque no nos dijiste!"

"I was doing what I thought was right!"

"Friends please stop the yelling."

"He is our friend, our team member, our family! You shouldn't have kept this a secret!"

"How could you let him continue to fight in that condition? You put everyone at risk!"

"Friends please if we could maybe talk all would be well?"

"I did what I had to do! It's my job to make the tough decisions!"

Cyborg watched and listened as his family fell apart in front of him. Aqualad, Beast Boy, Mas and Menos all stood shouting angrily at Bumblebee and she at them, Starfire looked on like a child who can't understand why 'we can't all just get along'. He let out a deep sigh, and then stepped into the room.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" his voice was loud and booming, part of it was natural but being part robot helped. Everyone stopped talking and looked at him, some with confusion, some with anger, one with guilt, and one with hope.

"Stop fighting. Just stop. I know you're all angry and I know you're all scared. But this isn't helping. We need to stick together not tear each other apart. We are going to all sit down and talk about this; I emphasize TALK, but not right now. Right now, all that matters is Speedy and Raven. So everyone just shut up. If you can't help yourself and you can't keep your mouth shut then leave, go for a walk, cool off. It's a lot to process in a short amount of time."

Mas and Menos sat down together. Aqualad went to his room, Beast Boy just left. Starfire walked around the room nervously not sure what to do. Bumblebee didn't move. Cyborg approached her.

"How is Speedy?" He asked quietly.

"Star got him here in time, he's not dead. But I can't say much beyond that. Beast Boy showed me the items he had around him, he was mixing all kinds of drugs and I'm not sure what that will do to his system, he's on a steady IV, and we are trying to detox him while not sending him into shock withdrawals. But I don't know if it's going to work. Or how long it will be or how much of him will be left when he wakes up, if he wakes up." He knew her heart was breaking with every word but she wouldn't show it. Not here.

"And Rae?" Bumblebee flinched at the mention of Raven, somehow what happened to her was connected to Speedy's overdose, and she was to blame for that.

"No change, she is attached to all the monitors, but everything reads normal. She seems to be in a coma but we don't know why or how to wake her. Robin is with her. He hasn't left her side."

"Did you have a chance to talk to him?"

Bumblebee nodded. "When I got back he was still sitting on the floor with Raven, I told him what I knew and why I didn't tell him sooner. He didn't say anything so I asked if he heard me. He told me that we do what we can to protect our families. Sometimes we do the wrong thing. He didn't say anything else. I helped him set Raven up in the infirmary and then he asked me to leave them alone."

After a long silence Cyborg responded. "Ok."

"It's not ok. I made a bad decision and now everyone is paying for it. I chose to keep his addiction a secret and now he has overdosed, Raven is in a coma, and my team is falling apart." Spat Bumblebee, she was angry, angry at herself, angry at the drugs, angry at whoever sold Speedy the drugs.

"Get over it." Said Cyborg.

Bumblebee was stunned by his reply, she wasn't even sure she heard him right. "What?"

"Get. Over. It." Cyborg said each word with emphasis to make sure she heard. "Lock it away, deal with it, or ignore it, whatever. But for now, get over it. Right now this moment in time, our family is falling apart. We aren't a team right now, no one here is thinking like a team. This is our family. And two members of our family are lying in beds and we don't know if they will ever come back to us. Yes mistakes were made; yes it was a bad decision to keep it a secret.

But it's not your fault, Speedy made his decision and it was bad, Speedy chose not to ask anyone of us for help, including you. He didn't ask for help, he chose to do drugs instead of dealing with whatever it is that is wrong with him, he overdosed, and he did it. Not you. No one could have helped him, no one could have saved him, he had to do it, he had to ask for it to be done. He didn't want your help. He didn't want anyone's help. He turned his back on our family. He did it."

Bumblebee just stared at him for a while. "You're angry. At him?"

"Of course I'm angry at him! I'm angry at him for being stupid enough to do this. I'm angry at him for being so selfish! I'm angry at him for not asking for help! I'm angry at Raven for being a freaking empath! I'm angry. I'm angry because this is my family. And I can't stop this from happening. I just want to stop all this from happening."

Cyborg fell to his knees and cried. He felt Bumblebee kneel in front of him and wrap her arms around him, soon after he felt the small arms of Mas and Menos at his sides, and finally he felt Starfire wrap her arms around him from behind. There was nothing any of them could do to stop the tears.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Robin sat next to Raven's bed. He hadn't moved since they first brought her here. He didn't even know how long ago that had been. He held her hand in his, wanting to keep some kind of contact with her. He sat and watched her; she looked like she was just sleeping. She would be so irritated if she woke now to find him staring at her. He was sure she would threaten to teleport him to some other dimension or something similar.

The thought brought a smile to Robin's face. But then he heard the beep of her heart monitor and he knew she wouldn't be waking up with any threats. For the first time in a very long time he felt alone. He could always rely on Raven to be there, no matter how far apart they were a part of her was always with him, he could always reach her. They had a bond, at first he hadn't liked having it, it was an invasion into his mind and heart that frightened him, but over time he grew to cherish it.

But now sitting here next to the one person he always felt connected to, he couldn't reach her, he couldn't even feel her. It was as if their connection simply got cut. That frightened him more than anything he had ever faced.

He looked over at his friend. Roy looked terrible. They had removed his mask, everyone here already knew who he was so it didn't really matter, but with his mask gone his addiction was clear, it was written in dark circles under his eyes, and sunken in feature of his face. He was twenty-five years old and looked like a dying man. A part of him wanted to be angry at him.

He wanted to hate him for doing this to himself, for doing it to everyone else, for somehow dragging Raven into it with him. But he couldn't, he knew Roy. He knew that none of this would have been what Roy wanted. He knew that Roy would rather die than hurt someone else. He knew that whatever caused him to turn to drugs was something that was killing him inside. Robin didn't have to like or agree with the choices Roy made but he couldn't be mad at him for being human.

Robin sat with his two friends on either side of him, their heart monitors echoing each other.

**_Beep_**

**_Beep_**

Something about the sound was almost comforting to him.

**_Beep_**

**_Beep_**

His peace was interrupted, he had heard the yelling earlier, but this time it was Cyborg.

**_Beep_**

**_Beep_**

He didn't want to leave Raven, but he was still the leader of the Titans. Raven would have been angry at him for shirking his duties.

**_Beep_**

**_Beep_**

"Then I really would be Boy Blunder wouldn't I?" he whispered as he looked down at her.

**_Beep_**

**_Beep_**

He picked up her hand and kissed it softly. "I'll be back soon." With that Robin walked towards the door.

**_Beep _**

**_Beep_**

He glanced back at his friend. "Don't worry Roy, you'll make it through this." He turned to leave.

**_Beep_**

Robin turned around when there was no second heart sound.

**_Beep_**

He went to each monitor, both worked perfectly and both rhythms were good.

**_Beep_**

He suddenly realized, somehow their heart beats had fallen in sync with each other.

**_Beep_**

"Odd." He whispered.

**_Beep_**

"Maybe it's a good sign." With a final glance he left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Roy looked around trying to figure out where he was. He didn't recognize anything; it was dark, very dark. The sky was black as night but the stars; there was something wrong with the stars. They normally had a nice white shine to them, now they seemed to have a red glow instead and he couldn't find the moon anywhere.

He was leaning against the trunk of a tree, an old burnt and twisted black tree without any leaves. He stood and looked around; there were several of these trees near him, each looking just as ugly and scarred as the one before it. The ground below him wasn't normal dirt either, it seemed like a thick dark mud. It wasn't brown but it wasn't black either. It seemed like a combination of the two with random red stones thrown about.

Where the hell was he? Nothing looked familiar and he couldn't even see anything in the distance. "I should go look around, and figure out where I am." He thought to himself. Yet he didn't move. He just sat there. He wasn't sure how much time passed; he just sat there looking out at each of the dead trees before him.

"Well that's interesting." commented a familiar voice from above him.

Roy looked up into the tree he sat against and found a raven perched on the branch, a black shadowy raven. He just stared at it for a moment, he recognized it, had seen it before. Slowly the raven began to grow and the black melted away into a pale grey and violet Raven.

"Hi Roy." she actually smiled at him, not a normal smile, really just a smirk to anyone who didn't know her, but from Raven it was the equivalent of an actual happy smile.

"Raven?" Roy was confused for another moment, and then a thought occurred to him and he smiled. "I get it now; I'm in your head aren't I? I accidently fell in your mirror or something right? That's why there is all this creepy crap everywhere, no offence, but honestly how do you stand all this in your head, I mean it's creepy and a little depressing.

I was going to look around try and figure a way out but then I just.. I just..it was too much." Roy looked away from her, back out to each of the scarred trees, lonely and dead and forgot she was even there.

"Roy." She whispered to him. "Roy."

He looked back at up her, confused again. "Raven?"

Raven came down and sat next to him, he looked back out again at the trees. She saw him get lost again, saw the life in his eyes slowly slipping away. "Roy!"

He turned to her with a start, confusion disappearing.

"Raven, what.. why am I in your head? What is all this? Why are these trees.." he felt drawn to look again but this time Raven caught his chin in her hand and turned him back.

"Roy listen to me, don't look at the trees. Look at me. Listen to me, talk to me. Where are we?"

"We are in your head. Aren't we?"

"Roy what do you remember before coming here?"

He looked at her closely now, she was acting different. She had never touched him before, she didn't like physical contact, and now she held his chin to look at her. There was something different in her eyes, normally those violet pools contained sadness, loneliness, now they seemed to be full of nothing but worry, maybe a hint of fear. And it was directed at him.

"Raven what's going on? What's wrong?"

"We aren't in my mind. None of this is my creation. I, like you, am trapped here." She kept her eyes on him; she stared deeply into him, hoping he could understand somehow what was happening.

"If this place isn't your mind, then where are we? Trapped how? Where are the others? What is happening here!" he didn't understand what was happening; he couldn't remember getting into a battle so he didn't know who was behind this. In fact he couldn't remember anything. He didn't know where he had been before waking up here. Only that he had been alone, always alone. His eyes began to drift away from her.

"Roy you have to focus, look at me."

"I just want to look around, maybe I can figure out.." his eyes fell on another tree it was a little different from the rest, smaller, but it looked worse. Each one was scarred and twisted, but this one looked as if someone had cut pieces out of it, broken the branches and lit it on fire, it was terrible. Roy wasn't a big nature person but something in him felt for that tree. How it suffered. He wanted to see more of it, to see if somehow he could save it.

Raven saw the change, saw his concern for whatever it was he saw. There was no time, she had hoped he would have figured it out before it began but something was pushing him to move faster than he should. She reached for him again but he wouldn't look at her, she kept trying and he kept fighting her, so she punched him.

Roy felt the pain in his jaw, and tasted the blood in his mouth. He quickly turned on Raven angrily shouting "What the hell is the matter with you! Why would you punch me?"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't get you to turn around so I did what I had to. You'll get over it, there is much worse coming and you need to understand what is happening."

"What are you talking about?" Roy held his jaw opening and closing his mouth to make sure it wasn't actually injured. "That really hurt ya know."

"Shut up. Ok I shouldn't be telling you this, it's kind of one of those you-need-to realize-this-on-your-own-and-have-an-epiphany kind of deals but your kind of dense." Raven gave him an annoyed look before continuing. "So here goes, we are in your mind. You're dying. You are at the point where living and dying is honestly up to you, you have to choose to live or you WILL die.

Something happened to your body that brought you to death's physical threshold but your mind has been hanging out there for a while, so now you are quite literally at death's door, you need to choose between walking away or going in." She stared at him, hoping he could handle all of the information she had given him and all the rest she still needed to.

Roy just stared back, not sure what to say, how to react, or if he even could. As he was about to say something he caught a glint of something on the ground. As he stared at it for a moment he realized what it was. A needle. It came back to him at once, where he had been, what he had been doing. He knew why his body was dying. He turned to ask her what to do when he heard her gasp, then he felt it, the pain, like a fire spreading over his body.

He looked down and saw the end of an arrow sticking out of his chest. He fell. Raven caught him in her arms, as they both fell to the ground. He was heavy on her but she pulled him up to rest his head on her lap. Roy glanced down to his chest again, the arrow was still there, he had been shot in the chest, how could this be happening? How could he have been shot in the chest in his own mind?

"This is just wrong." He whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Clear!" shouted Cyborg as he touched the charged paddles to Speedy's chest. His body jumped as the electrical current ran through him.

**_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee _**

The heart monitor screamed in failure, Cyborg raised the charge and tried again.

**_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee _**

Once more he raised the charge and tried again.

**_Beep_**

Cyborg froze paddles still in hand waiting to see if it really worked.

**_Beep_**

He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Behind him Robin and Bumblebee each did the same. After replacing the paddles and checking that Speedy's vitals had all returned to normal, Cyborg stepped out of the infirmary and walked down to the commons room where everyone else had been sent when the alarm had gone off. He found Mas and Menos being comforted by Starfire on the couch. Aqualad was pacing in the kitchen and Beast Boy sat by the window hugging Raven's book to his chest.

"Speedy's vitals are back to normal. We still don't know much else."

"What about Raven?" Beast Boy didn't bother to turn around when he asked, he simply stared out the window.

"No change."

Cyborg could see there had been a bright moment when they knew Speedy's heart had started again, but it was gone only a moment later. Nothing had changed.

Robin had taken his seat back with Raven holding her hand and watching her. Bumblebee stood over Speedy, she hadn't seen him very often without his mask, and now it scared her. It was clear how bad it had gotten. She could feel the bile rise in her stomach, it made her sick to know that her friend had gotten so bad. She reached for his hand but hesitated. Unsure if she was even allowed to touch him, to offer him comfort. She had failed him.

"It's not your fault." Bumblebee jumped at Robin's voice. She had completely forgotten he was in the room. He had his back to her still, facing Raven and holding her hand gently as he spoke

"He wouldn't blame you," he continued. "he shut you out. I would guess he would feel more like you should blame him. I don't know what happened to him, why he did this to himself, but I know him. He would never blame you and it would kill him to know that anyone is hurting so much because of something he did. He didn't ask for help, he wouldn't, doesn't know how." Robin chuckled lightly "It's kind of funny that we help people every day. We both grew up raised by men who didn't believe in asking for help, I guess it's not that funny when you realize they help people every day to.

We ended up just as broken as them, never asking anyone for help, not even the people we love and trust the most. Maybe that's the funny part."

Bumblebee couldn't see Robin's face, but she knew at that moment there was nothing but sadness on it. She reached down and held Speedy's hand tight. She stood there silent for a moment when something occurred to her.

"Should we let Green Arrow know?"

"If you tell Green Arrow what has happened, all he'll tell you is how much of a disappointment he thinks Roy is, the nicest you could hope for is him telling you to call him when Speedy dies." There was bitterness in Robin's voice. Bumblebee was shocked.

"But he raised him, he doesn't care at all?"

"Guess the novelty of a ward wore off. Why do you think he came to the Titans in the first place?"

"I guess I thought he came for the same reason you started it, to be out on your own, establish yourself as a hero rather than Batman's sidekick."

"Roy worshipped Oliver. He was his family, his friend, his mentor. They had a good thing for a long time, but he was Green Arrow long before he was a father figure. He didn't have time for Roy.

After a while he didn't even have time for Speedy. I don't know the specifics of what happened, but I know there was a time when Roy really needed him and he wasn't there. They had some kind of falling out and Oliver kicked him to the curb, left him broke and homeless. He made it on his own for a little while and when Titans East became a reality he was first in line.

As far as I know they haven't even spoken to each other in years. But I did hear Green Arrow talking to Batman once, all he said was what a disappointment he had turned out to be."

"Wow." Bumblebee found that she was holding Speedy's hand tighter. She looked down at him and wondered how he had kept a smile on his face after so much had happened, and wondered what could have happened to push him over the edge. "I never would have thought that such an annoyingly positive and happy boy could have so much eating away at him inside."

"We all wear our masks. Twenty four hours a day."

"Not that I'm complaining, but why are you telling me all this? You aren't usually very forthcoming with personal information, about you or anyone else. And if I had to guess I would say that what you just told isn't something that is public knowledge."

"Look down. Roy kept everything inside, kept his mask on twenty four hours a day, just like we were taught. Now look at him. We say that we can't share our personal lives or details or stories because we have to protect our identities, but honestly we've known each other for years. Everyone knows who everyone is. It's ridiculous." He laughed angrily.

"It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. He was exhausted." He let out a heavy sigh and breathed for a long moment before continuing. "I made the decision that we would never share our personal information or problems years ago when I first started the Titans, it was my decision, and it was a bad one. How many times could we have helped each other, Tara, Raven, now Roy?

I'm sick of watching the people I love suffer silently. I won't let it happen anymore." He felt heavy, he truly was exhausted.

"Robin you need to rest."

"I won't leave them alone. I'm fine."

"Richard." He looked up at her now "You aren't doing them any good by wearing yourself out, everyone in this building cares about these two. Everyone wants a chance to be by their side. Get some sleep; let someone else have a turn."

He knew she was right, but he glanced back down at Raven. He didn't want to leave her.

"You will come get me if there is any change, I mean anything at all."

"Of course." She smiled at him, it was strange to see him like this, so honest.

"I'll be back in a few hours." He whispered to Raven as he set her hand down. He glanced over at Speedy then walked out the door.

Bumblebee stood in silence for a few minutes before she sat down in the chair next her teammate. She looked over at him taking in his broken down features once more. She took a deep breath.

"You are lazy and obnoxious, you say stupid things and date even stupider women, but you are a good man. You are strong, you are stubborn and you can get through this. You hear me? You WILL get through this. I'm in charge here, and I say you've got more fight in you. So you fight damn it. You fight."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Raven had managed to pull the arrow out after they realized it hadn't hit anything vital then she was able to heal his wound pretty easily.

"What the hell was that?" he asked as the dark energy broke away from them.

"You tell me. This is your mind, your fears, your demons."

"So my mind is trying to kill me?"

"Not exactly, look Beast Boy told you about his little trip into my mind right?" the look of irritation at the memory was hard not to see.

"He may have mentioned it.."

"He told you about all the different me's he saw right? How they looked like me only a little different, maybe just a different color emphasis and they all acted specific ways. Ok now try to follow me here; this is where it gets complicated." Raven could see the look of confusion already spread across Roy's face and let out a heavy sigh.

"Ok more complicated, just listen. For me, I have to suppress my emotions; I have to micromanage my feelings and keep them under control so I don't hurt anyone. In life I don't really live, I avoid becoming attached, or upset. I hide away in my room so I won't hurt anyone. In my mind I divide each feeling into its own separate place and keep them under control. Losing control is my biggest concern my biggest fear, my demon, well ok my demon is an actual demon but you can't choose your parents.

The point is, your mind isn't going to look like mine, we aren't going to see a bunch of Speedys or Roys running around. But we are going to see the things that have brought you here, whatever it is that you fear is going to come out and try to beat you. So you tell me, who or what is shooting at us?"

He looked away from her and tried to think, tried to understand what she was saying and find the answer. He just couldn't figure it out. It was his mind he should know everything about it. Why couldn't he just figure it out?

"He doesn't know." There was a mean smile in the voice that came from one of the twisting scarred trees. "He never was that bright."

Roy paled visibly, his heartbeat quickened and throat went dry.

"Roy what is it?" asked Raven seeing his reaction to the voice.

Roy heard the sound of a bow string being pulled, he reached out to Raven.

"Raven get down!"

He brought her down on top of him and pushed them behind a tree. An arrow flew by where Raven had previously stood.

"Come on Roy, who is it?" whispered Raven.

"He's shooting arrows and it's not me, who do you think it is!" shouted Roy angrily.

"Roy. Please, who is it." Asked Raven with a pleading voice.

Roy looked at her again. There was something about the way she asked.

"I told you, not very bright." Came the voice again as another arrow flew at them, much closer this time. "Might as well give it up Speedy, just step out from behind the tree and take an arrow to the heart. You're already dead anyway."

The voice laughed. It didn't stop talking; it came in whispers over and over, the voice overlapping itself with its laughter. Roy brought his hands to his ears, closed his eyes and brought his knees to his chest just trying to stop the noise, to think clearly for just a moment.

"Failure!"

"Worthless!"

"You can't even help yourself, you're pathetic!"

"Weak!"

"Junkie!"

It wouldn't stop, it just got louder and louder, whispers of all the things he had heard before all the mistakes he had made, the failures he had had. He couldn't take it; he couldn't listen to it anymore. He was guilty; everything the voice said was true. He wondered if it would be better to just let him kill him.

Everything was quiet. The whispers stopped, the laughing stopped. No sounds, nothing. Roy opened his eyes slowly. Everything was dark, he turned to his left and found Raven with her arms out a channel of black energy flowing from her and surrounding them in a protective sphere. Her eyes glowed brightly.

"Damn it Roy." She whispered.

He didn't understand, he felt so lost, so confused, and worthless.

"You have to fight, please Roy. Fight your fear." She pleaded.

"I don't want to fight, I can't. I'm too weak, to pathetic." His voice was weak and frail. His heart was weakened and low. He felt no urge to fight; he would take the arrow to his heart to stop the pain he felt.

"Something in you does! Damn it Roy if you didn't want to live, if you didn't want to fight you never would have brought me here!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes you did! Some part of you that wants to live, that wants to fight the fears inside your mind and heart called out to me! Begged me to aid you, how could I refuse? I felt the sadness Roy, I felt what you felt when you lay there knowing you were dying. You may not remember it all, but I know how you felt and you were scared, scared that you had succeeded. I couldn't let you die. I won't let you die! So please just find the strength, fight!"

He stared at her in silence. She had felt his pain? Felt his sadness, had she known what he had done? He was ashamed.

"Fight it. Please. Just admit your fears and fight them! Tell me who it is, just say his name!" her voiced was strained.

Roy looked at her face and saw that she seemed to be in pain, and then he saw the arrow that poked through her side. His shame turned to guilt and his guilt to anger.

"It's Green Arrow." He growled.

Raven smiled slightly as the glow faded and her dark energy broke apart. She fell to her knees. She glanced up at him weakly.

"Now fight." She whispered just before her eyes closed and she crumbled to the ground.

Roy made a move to reach for her but an arrow landed on the ground between them. He turned in the direction it had come from; there stood the green clad archer with a cocky smile.

"Took you long enough."

"You son of a bitch!" shouted Roy

Roy lunged at him but Green Arrow easily avoided him.

"Come on Speedy, I taught you everything you know, do you honestly think you can fight me? You think you can actually win? I am better than you, always have been always will be."

Roy swung at him and again missed. Green Arrow turned and landed a punch square on Roy's jaw and knocked him down.

"Why are you fighting this Speedy. You already chose to die. You think your little friends don't know by now? That they aren't all around you talking about how weak and pathetic you are? They're all just wishing you would hurry up and die and stop wasting their time."

His anger flooded his mind; he swung wildly at Green Arrow but never landed a single hit. Green Arrow however punched him in the gut, again in the jaw and swept his legs, knocking him again to the ground.

"Pathetic! I taught you better! I trained you to fight, to be a warrior, not a pathetic sniveling coward! You are nothing! You weak child! I never should have taken you in!"

Green Arrow punched him again and again and kicked him in the stomach as he lay on the ground.


	9. Chapter 9

Cyborg walked quietly into the infirmary, he glanced at Bumblebee. She was asleep resting her head on her lying on Speedy's bed; she held his hand in hers.

He came over to her and tapped her shoulder; she startled and looked up at him, then glanced back at the unconscious duo.

"Karen go get some rest, I'll stay here."

"No I'm ok. I'll stay."

"I'm too tired to argue with you right now, you don't have to go sleep, but you do have to go. Go get a coffee or something, I need a few minutes. I want to talk to them; I need to talk to them. They might not hear me, maybe they will, either way I have things I need to say to them. Alone."

She glanced back down at Speedy, she knew that Cyborg was angry at him, but she knew he still cared. She stood up and nodded to him, then left the room without another word.

As the doors slid shut Cyborg let out a sigh. For a few moments the only sound in the room was the synced heart beat of the twin sleepers. He moved to stand by Raven, he reached a hand out to her and touched her cheek lightly. He smiled and then turned to Speedy.

As he stood towering over the red headed archer he was conflicted. A part of him wanted to scream at him for all the trouble he had caused, he wanted to shout all the things he had shouted before at Bumblebee. But as he looked again at the corpse like face of one of his closest friends he also wanted to hug him. He wanted to tell him he would protect him, to beg him to wake up.

He sat in a chair between them, his eyes turned away from both of them. He was still silent.

"Damn you both." He whispered.


	10. Chapter 10

Bumblebee walked into the open living room, Aqualad glanced up at her as she entered, there was hope in his eyes, she shook her head and his eyes fell.

"I can't stay here. There is nothing I can do and I can't just sit around. I'm going to go patrol for a while." He said quietly.

"Friend Aqualad, I would like to join you. If it will not bother you." Said Starfire, her voice held sorrow. It was wrong for the happy Tamaranean to carry such sadness. Aqualad nodded and the two left the tower.

Beast Boy stared out the window at the water still. It seemed he hadn't moved in hours. Bumblebee turned to say something, but there was nothing she could say. She continued to the kitchenette to pour herself some coffee.

"You should have told us."

His voice was dry and almost hoarse. Bumblebee hardened herself and turned to face Beast Boy and again defend decision as leader, but when her eyes fell on his face she lost her resolve.

He was worn and drawn, his eyes were red and silent tears still streamed down his face. Beast Boy was never without a smile, now he looked as if he had never smiled a day in his life.

It was heart breaking.

"We could have helped. It never should have been a secret."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize how far it had gotten."

"It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if it was one time or one million we should have known, all of us. We are all in this together, we are a family, and for most of us this is the only family we've got. You didn't want to betray his trust, but he didn't trust you or you would have known how bad it was, he didn't trust any of us.

That's fine, you give trust to your friends and you hope that they will be there for you. Family takes trust, you don't have a choice, they take your trust and you know they will be there. We protect each other, as a family.

He should have trusted you, you should have trusted us." his voiced lost all of its anger. Now it just held sadness.

Bumblebee was using all of her self control to keep from falling apart.

"Now we're here, we're all here. But none of us can do anything except watch and wait. It's too late for our help; it's up to Raven to save him, to save them both probably." Came a voice from the hall.

Bumblebee turned to see Robin standing and watching her and Beast Boy.

"Gar, it doesn't mean much, but I wouldn't have told anyone either. Part of being a family is keeping each other's secrets, respecting each other's privacy. I know you don't understand. But even in our home there are secrets that never need to see the light of day."

"Yet we haven't been at the brink of death because of them."

"Haven't we?"

Beast Boy looked at his leader for a few moments, he seemed at first to simply deny the idea, then he seemed to think on it, and a fresh stream of tears fell as he seemed to remember moments when the statement had been true. He turned away from the leaders and went back to his window.

Bumblebee watched after him, she still felt like she would fall apart, still ran through all the moments she should have noticed, still blamed herself. She needed to move past these. She turned to Robin who now stood behind her filling the mug she had pulled out, as well as one for himself and filled another cup with hot water. She looked at the cup with water then up at him.

Without looking at her he answered the unasked question.

"There will be a fresh cup of tea waiting when Raven wakes up. I would have a beer waiting for Roy, but in light of recent events he gets a bottle of water I think." There was a hint of a smile in his voice.

Bumblebee got excited for a moment.

"Are they waking up?"

Robin's shoulder visibly sagged a little.

"No, no there is no change. I peeked in when I woke up but Cyborg wanted time alone so I left them, but they will wake up. And we will be ready to welcome them back."

She watched him carefully. She didn't remember any time she had seen true hope shining in him. It was a sad hope, but it was hope none the less. Somehow that reminded her of what he had said when he entered.

"What did you mean when you said it was up to Raven to save him?"

"I meant what I said."

"I don't understand, Raven is in a coma too, how can she do anything for him."

"Beast Boy was just saying that with family you know they will be there. If I had to guess what happened to Raven, this would be my guess. Roy knew she would be there."

Bumblebee just stared at him as if waiting for more of an explanation. He let out a sigh and continued.

"I think that a part of Roy called out to Raven, that what we saw earlier was her seeing him, really seeing him, and then she went to him. She sent us to protect his physical body and she went to protect him. Basically, I think her soul self is in his mind."

Bumblebee sat quietly processing the information.

"How sure are you?" she finally asked.

"It's what she does." he said with a sad smile.

"How do you know all of this?"

Robin was quiet. He took a deep breath.

"Because I called her into my mind once, I didn't mean to, but she saved me. That's how we got our link. Neither of us understood what was happening, what kind of risk it posed, or what the after effects would be. But in the end we survived to fight another day."

"What kinds of risks and after effects are there?"

"From what we went through, a connection, a deep constant channel open between us. Raven and I have built walls between ourselves so we don't invade each other's thoughts or see things we don't want seen. But we still feel each other there just on the other side. But when she came to me it was an entirely different situation. It wasn't life and death, it was sanity and madness.

With Roy, I have no clue what could happen. But I know that her soul self is, well, her soul. It's not indestructible, and she has mentioned the longer she keeps herself away from her body the weaker she gets. The risks are not small or insignificant."


	11. Chapter 11

Cyborg let out a deep breath; he reached out to Raven and held her small hand in his. The feeling in his chest was heavy. He looked at his 'little sister' and tears filled his eyes.

"Come on Rae, ya gotta wake up. Who else is going to help me stop BB from getting rid of all our meat products, or help me make adjustments to the T-car, don't act like you don't enjoy it, I know you do." He smiled sadly. The smile faltered. The tear fell and the smile went with it. "God. I can't do this Rae. I can't make jokes and tell you happy things. Not right now. So just wake up. Wake up and I will tell you jokes til you send me to another dimension, just wake up."

He kissed her hand lightly and set it back down. Another deep breath. He turned and walked to Speedy.

"You, you.. you I have so many things I want to say, and do, like kick you off the roof. How could you do this? How could you do it us, to the city, to Karen, to yourself. How could you destroy yourself like this?

I know we aren't as close as we could be, we live in different towers, lead different lives. But we are still family. I don't know if you can hear me, I don't know if you will even care. I care about you. You are my friend and brother. I need you, we all need you. And we need her.

I know my little sister, I know she's running around in your brain right now trying to help you fix what's wrong. You listen to her. You understand? Whatever she says you listen, she tells you to bark like a dog and wear a tutu you do it! Because we need you both back. So listen, and above all else, you protect her. She's in your mind, you own that place, you remember that."

He looked down at Speedy, he glanced back at Raven, he let out another sigh. Something caught his eye. He walked to Raven's monitors, it was there, hardly noticeable, just a small change, but a change still. All of her vital signs, except her heart, where going down, ever so slightly.

He stepped back again. He sat again in the chair between them. He prayed.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Sorry it has been so long since I last posted a chapter, it has been a busy month both in life and in writing, I have two active stories on here that I am working on but I also have a few offline as well as developing the ideas for the next of this particular series. I will try to post another chapter or two for this story this weekend, but no promises :(**

Chapter 12

Roy was balled up on the ground, pain coursed through him. Green Arrow continued to kick him. If Roy tried to move he was blocked and hit harder. His anger had faded away, his guilt forgotten; his shame had no room to spread. He was consumed with his own weakness. Both of body and spirit. Every cruel word that Green Arrow said called out to him like a lover.

He forgot about Raven, he forgot about fighting, he forgot about everything. He just laid there and took the beating he so much deserved. He was worthless, pathetic, no use to anyone. It was better this way, better if he were just gone. Then there was darkness, Green Arrow was gone, Raven was gone, the red stars were gone. But the pain of each hit was still there, the weight of a foot pressed hard against Roy's chest. He gasped for air, cried out in pain.

There was a bright shine, something fell next to him, and he turned and looked. It was a needle.

"Just disappear, it's better for everyone." Came a whisper.

Roy continued to stare at the needle. He knew what it was, what it would do, he knew it was wrong. But..

"Just disappear, no one will notice."

It was so close, all Roy had to do was reach out and grab it, then it could all be over, he could just disappear.

"Just disappear."

Roy reached out; his hand hovered just above the needle when an ear piercing scream made him cover his ears, the darkness around him shattered like glass, the needle burst into small shards and the scream stopped. When Roy looked around he could see the red glow of the stars and the twisted trees at a distance.

He didn't see Raven or Green Arrow, but, he did seem someone else. His heart swelled with happiness at the site of her, she had always been there for him, been a shoulder to lean on, a sister to talk to, a mother to comfort him. Standing before him was Black Canary, Dinah.

"Dinah." He whispered with a smile.

"Hey Roy." She smiled back at him.

Roy tried to sit up but his pain was not gone, the beating he had taken from Green Arrow was severe. Dinah kneeled down next to him. She asked if he could move, he tried again, he felt tired and weak.

"Come on Roy, you can get up, you can fight through the pain. You are alright."

He tried again, he managed to sit up but the pain was so strong, everything hurt, he wouldn't be able to move or fight. It was just too much for him.

"I can't." he said to her.

"Please Roy, I know you can do this. Just try to get up, push past the pain, remember how strong you are, please."

There was something in her voice and the desperate look in her eye that made Roy nervous, like all her hopes rested with him, like he would let her down. His body grew heavy and he fell back down from his sitting position.

"I'm sorry Dinah, it's just too much." He whispered as the pain grew in him.

Dinah stood up and looked at him sadly then disappeared.

"Dinah!"

"Roy?" called a voice a distance away from him.

"Dinah!" he shouted again, turning to the voice.

He saw someone running towards him, it wasn't Dinah, as she got closer he could see the clear form of Raven.

"Roy! Are you ok? What happened?" she came down to her knees beside him and began to run her hands over him checking for injuries.

"Green Arrow, he beat me. I couldn't stop him. I don't know where he went; I think Black Canary chased him off. Everything hurts."

"Black Canary chased him off? I thought they were.. I mean in reality, I thought they were a couple."

"They are."

"But in your mind they are enemies?"

He thought about it for a moment. Remembered times with them, Oliver and Dinah were happy, they loved each other, and as heroes they fought well together. There seemed only one thing that they strongly disagreed on.

"Not enemies, they argue but nothing serious, except one issue. On that, yea they have very opposing views. Me. He kicked me to the curb as soon as I let him down, she took me in, took care of me. She has always looked out for me. He hates it, says it makes me even weaker than I already am."

Raven was silent for a moment, she seemed to be thinking. After a short time she asked if he could move, he couldn't, the pain was too much, he was tired and heavy. She asked if he could try. He gave a weak effort and failed. She looked down, he thought he saw the same sad look Dinah had had before she left, but it passed to quickly over Raven's face. She smiled lightly at him and her hands began to glow. She healed him and he could sit up, and then stand. He felt better than he had before the fight.

"You're amazing Raven!" he said excitedly. He glanced at her and became concerned, she looked weak and tired. "Are you ok?"

"I just need to rest a little. I have used a lot of energy. I think we are safe for now, we have moved away from the memories, let's just sit here for a time."

Roy sat beside her, looking at her carefully. He was concerned. He was preparing to ask again if she was ok, when she spoke.

"I would like to know, if it is alright, how you disappointed Green Arrow, when he 'kicked you to the curb'. What had you done?"

Roy looked down; he was ashamed, guilty, sad.

"I guess it doesn't matter if you know now, since you already do. He caught me getting high. When he caught me I had been using pretty regularly for a few weeks. I knew it was wrong, I knew I needed to stop, but I couldn't. Anyway when he found out he was angry, we fought."

"Argued or fought." She asked quietly.

"He beat the living hell out of me. Dislocated my right shoulder and broke my wrist, jaw and three ribs. Then he drove me down to the seediest part of Star City and literally threw me out on the street. I remember watching him drive away. I just laid there on the ground, I couldn't move, I was in so much pain. I was so angry at myself, I had let him down, I was always letting him down."

Roy tried to wipe away the tears before they gave him away, but before his hand reached his eye Raven grabbed it and held it, she gave it a soft squeeze of comfort. He looked at her and she smiled softly at him.

"Tell me about Dinah."

His eyes widened.

"Oh please Roy, I know you, I know Oliver, I know Green Arrow and Black Canary are a couple I know Oliver and Dinah are a couple. How stupid do you think I am?" she said with smile in her voice.

"Yea I guess that's not really keeping it quiet is it?" he smiled.

"Not really." She laughed.

They were quiet again. Another soft squeeze of the hand encouraged Roy to continue his story. He took a deep breath and spoke again.

"She was patrolling that night and found me right where he left me; it was probably an hour later. I hadn't moved. She asked if I could move and what happened, I didn't answer. She tried again and again to get me to stand on my own. I stayed where I was. Finally she had me taken by ambulance. My injuries were taken care of, and she got some of her answers when my tox screen came back.

I heard the doctor outside tell her, I wasn't sure if I should expect her to take a turn at me or just to leave. I didn't expect what happened. She came into the room and stood next to me. I couldn't look at her. She grabbed the hand that wasn't injured and she held it. She begged me to look at her, and when I finally did she promised we would all get through this.

I turned away from her again and she didn't understand, she told me she had called Oliver, that she had left a message. He would be here soon. She was trying to comfort me, I felt worse. My jaw was wired shut; I couldn't tell her what had happened between Ollie and I, and I think I was grateful.

But she was right, Ollie did come. I had been in the hospital for about a week; because of my injuries they wouldn't release me to the rehab clinic that Dinah had found for me. So they were detoxing me slowly through my medication.

I woke up to them arguing at the foot of my hospital bed. He had just told her that he already knew about the drugs. She was angry he hadn't told her. She wanted to know how long he knew, what we, Ollie and I, had been doing to try to help me. He was quiet for a while, he finally told her that he had found out the night this happened, she was quiet, and I knew that she understood what that meant. I heard her slap him.

She yelled at him, called him heartless, he remained silent. She couldn't understand how he could do this, how he could hurt me. I heard him gathering his things, he was preparing to leave. As he opened the door to go he told her.

"If he is going to act like a criminal, I am going to treat him as one."

She stayed with me, I saw her every day until I was finally sent to rehab, and there she came at least once a week. I was there for a few months. I was clean and sober when I got out; she let me stay with her. I found out that they broke up that day at the hospital; at least they hadn't talked or seen each other until about two weeks before I got out.

She helped me get back on my feet, find my own place, she took me on patrols, and things were normal. Green Arrow and I were done, but thanks to her I was finding my own way. After a year on my own, Robin brought me to the Titans. After I left Star City Dinah and Oliver found their way back to each other.

Dinah and I still talk every now and then, and she visits."

Raven smiled.

"I understand now."

"What?" he asked

"Dinah is your guidance. Here she should be the one to lead you through your painful memories and help you work through them. Help you get past them. But she is also a painful memory. The real Dinah helped you so much in reality, she gave you a new life, offered you comfort and friendship when you had no one else. She pulled you from a pit and now that you have fallen back down even further, you fear her disappointment."

Roy didn't understand, yes he knew he didn't want Dinah to be disappointed in him, but what did Raven mean?

"Roy, you called out to me, brought me here to help you. I don't think either of us knew why. Everyone has their own guidance, someone or something that can help them when they feel lost within themselves. That is who is called on to save them in situations like yours. But you called to me. I am saying that Dinah is your guidance, but the particular way you have become lost, would disappoint her. It would make things worse to have her try to guide you."

"Then why did I see her?"

"Because she is still a part of you, still is your guidance, and just like the real Dinah, she will still help you whether you want it or not. I am limited, I don't belong here, I don't know your mind or how it works, Dinah does, she knows how to help you, I can only offer limited advice."

"You protected me, and you healed me. That doesn't seem like limited advice to me." Smiled Roy.

Raven looked at him carefully but turned her eyes away, Roy felt that he should ask her about this but she began speaking again.

"Since you won't let her guide you, you have to think hard, try to anticipate what's coming. This is only the beginning. Whatever drove you to knock on death's door, it's coming for you here."

Her words chilled him.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: I know it's a short one, sorry. This weekend promises you at least two more chapters, they are written already they just need to be typed up when I have time on Saturday. This is just a little taste to tide you over. :)**

Chapter 13

It had been a week since Speedy and Raven had fallen into their duel coma. As much as Titans west hated it, they had to return to Jump City. Raven had to stay in Steel, after a lot of debate and even more arguing all the titans agreed that Cyborg would be allowed to stay, at least for now.

Robin had wanted to stay but knew that was not possible, there were too many criminals in Jump who would take advantage, Beast Boy and Starfire had also wanted to stay but they were needed. In truth Robin knew they needed Cyborg back in Jump as well, but he couldn't leave Raven behind without one of the team to watch over her. This way he could get updates every day.

Starfire had only visited the two sleeping heroes once, she found it difficult to be in the room with them, Speedy still looked deathly and Raven began to show signs of weakening. She came in to say goodbye and offer her cheery words of support, but found herself over whelmed with emotion and quickly left.

Beast Boy had visited a couple times, though he barely cast an eye at Speedy. He was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. He did not know how to handle these feelings that conflicted so strongly with his thoughts of sadness, helplessness, and pity. He wanted to help his friends; he wanted them to wake up. He just wanted them all to be better. He still felt the loss of Tara deeply, it had been so many years and she was alive and free from the stone, but the Tara he knew and loved was gone. He didn't think losing another friend was something he could handle. He begged Raven to wake up, to get better. He turned to leave and looked back at Speedy.

"I don't want to lose you either. Take care of him Raven." He said softly before leaving the room.

Robin was the last to make his goodbyes, he checked all the monitors, their vitals, and he felt their pulses. He had already talked to Cyborg about the small changes in Raven's vitals and told him to keep an eye on them. He stood above Speedy's bed and looked down at his friend.

"I don't know what to say Roy; we've known each other a long time. We've been through a lot, been best friends, enemies, partners, brothers. I wasn't there last time, but I remember how hard you fought to stay clean. I don't know what happened, I don't know how you got here, but I know you, I know you will fight. You have to fight. We're all here for you, to kick your ass and back you up. Just don't give up."

Robin punched Speedy's shoulder lightly and turned to Raven, he pulled a chair close to her and sat down, he took her hand in his and held it. He looked at her carefully for a little while; he reached out and touched her cheek lightly.

"We miss you, I miss you Raven. I need you. You are my second in command and my best friend." His voice wavered slightly. "What can I say that I haven't said already? We need you, come home, wake up? I've said all of that."

He was quiet again, he held her small hand in both of his now, his sadness was severe, but a smile spread across his lips as he looked at her delicate hand. He bent forward and kissed her hand softly.

"Help him Rae, help him and come home to me, there is something I want to say. But I won't say it until I can see your eyes again." He whispered with a smile.

He placed her hand carefully back at her side and stood. He put the chair back against the wall between them and turned away. He didn't look back as he said his parting words.

"See you soon, both of you."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Raven had settled down not far from him, she had wrapped herself within her cloak and seemed to be sleeping. Roy found he was leaning against a large boulder, he wasn't sure when it happened but a rocky wall like the side of a mountain had appeared behind them as if it were guarding them from the foreboding sight of the forest of dark and twisted trees.

He felt warmth and suddenly realized there was fire before him, a small campfire. He smelled the strong delicious campfire smell, heard the soft crackle of the wood as it burned, the another sound, an owl's hoot, it brought his attention upwards. He was shocked to find the night sky, the normal night sky with twinkling stars in a deep blue black sky. He saw the Milky Way, a shooting star, he was stunned. Another hoot of the owl cast his eyes down and he was surrounded by trees, not the disturbing crooked and black trees, this was a real true green forest.

He looked all around him, he was surprised and still oddly enough it all looked strangely familiar to him, the mountain side that offered protection and privacy, the fire, the night sky, it was a camping trip. Camping was a favored hobby of his, it was hard to place why this particular setting seemed for familiar.

"Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I had been raised differently, had a real childhood."

Roy was surprised at the sound of Raven's voice and more so when he realized how close she now sat. They were side by side, their arms touching; she had her legs tucked and her knees angled slightly toward him.

"If my life had been a little happier, a little more normal, if I had a different father," she looked away from him sadly, "someone good, who actually cared? If my mother hadn't given me up. Maybe." She wiped away a tear. "Maybe, I could have been a good person." Her voice was heavy.

He was stunned, he knew she had had a rough life he remembered what he had been told about her father. She had always kept her history quiet; he was surprised she was talking to him now.

"You are a good person; you're one of the best I know. Don't doubt yourself, not many people could have even survived your life. You survived and now you're here trying to help me survive."

She turned to him, another tear fell silently down her cheek. She looked carefully at him, her eyes were filled with sadness. He reached a hand out and tried to brush away the tear, she pulled his hand close and leaned her cheek into it.

"I am here, here with you."

Roy was still, he didn't know what to do; she was being so open with him. She was touching him, held his palm to her face. He was filled with confusion, he wanted to comfort her, he wanted an explanation, he wanted to know if he was dreaming, and he wanted to kiss her.

He glanced at her lips, he had never really looked at her lips before, they were small but plump, in the past few years she had taken to wearing small bits of makeup, her lips were lightly colored in a purple that almost matched her hair. He felt the desire, the want, she was so close, just a few more inches and he could taste those lips.

He raised his eyes back to hers, he looked carefully at her. She smiled at him, a familiar smile, but not a Raven smile. A part of him felt strongly that he should be more concerned with this, but a larger more desperate part of him took note again of how close her lips were.

He had less than a moment to wonder if she would object before her mouth closed on his. He had expected a soft gentle kiss, a series of slow tender pecks, a reserved but sweet introduction. He was mistaken. At the first touch he was surprised by the force of the kiss, she had crashed against him like a wave. The surprise continued as her kisses became passionate and aggressive. It was not unpleasant by any means, his body rushed with warmth and excitement. When they separated for air she whispered something he could not hear.

She straddled him; he had no time to react before they were again locked in a passionate kiss. He had never kissed Raven before; she was smart, beautiful, strong, and loyal. In every way she was better than him. He could never have imagined this would ever happen, but somehow it felt familiar. The smile, the forcefulness, the position they were in, he felt as though he had done this before.

When they eventually separated again she began to kiss along his jaw nibbling lightly as she went, it sent chills through him. He ran his hands down the soft material of her leotard his fingers tracing the line of her back gently. He caressed her back a few times and then let his hands rest on her hips.

"Please, Roy." She whispered.

He tried to catch a glance at her but she kept kissing along the jaw and to his throat.

"Please." She said again.

He couldn't help but hear the pain in her voice, these were not pleas of passion or encouragement, he tried again to look at her but he was still unable to see her face. He tried to focus enough to ask her what was wrong but his mind was filled with desire, his body consumed by the pleasure of her lips against his skin and her body pressed to his. She continued to kiss his neck, biting now and again and receiving a moan of pleasure from him for each one.

"Please Roy," she mumbled into his throat her kisses began to travel back to his jaw, his cheek, the corner of his mouth. She hovered just above his lips, "help me." She whispered just as their lips touched.

It was soft and tender; this was the kiss he had expected from her. He tried to hold on to it, reached a hand up and held her head softly to his. He felt as though this was their first kiss, a sweet and precious moment he tried to savor even as he felt his mind begin to fall away into memory.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

_She pulled away from him, he ran his fingers through her long black hair the natural curls flowing over her shoulder. He looked over every detail of her face, her prominent dark eyes, her arched black brows, the curve of her high cheekbones, her nose was small wider than it was long. But the most enticing part of her, the finishing piece was a pair of pouty red lips. She was beautiful. She smiled sadly at him._

_"I'm not a good person Roy," She said softly. "it's just not who I am. Maybe if things had been different, if I'd had a different life I would be different. But I'm not. I like who I am, I am free, no one controls me, tells me who I am or what I can and cannot do. You know me Roy, you know who I am and what I do. You and I are so different. Can you accept me Roy? For who I am?"_

_He looked down at her seriously, she was right, they were very different. Their lives, their goals, their beliefs, but they shared something special. Something he had never known. Something he couldn't lose._

_"I love you Jade."_

_She smiled at him, that mischievous smile that was eerily similar to the mask she normally wore. She straddled him and kissed him fiercely._

The forest around him disappeared and it's place came an assault of memories flowing quickly around him, as they ended and the last fell away he found himself back in the empty space a small distance from the forest of dark and twisting trees, as he looked at it in the distance he caught a brief glimpse of a familiar mask and the sound of a too familiar laugh.

He turned quickly back to where he had last seen Raven before the land around him had changed and he had been sent into a memory he had buried. He didn't know if he had only imagined her participation in the recreation or if it had been real. One look at her told him he had not imagined it. She sat cross legged with her cloak wrapped tightly around her protectively. She stared at him with a guarded expression.

"Raven, I-" he started but was interrupted.

"The memory has significance to your healing. It was strong and overpowering. What did you see.. after I.. regained myself." The last was said with a quieter voice.

Roy looked at her, there was no expression, and she hid her emotion. He wanted to talk about what happened. But she clearly didn't.

"I saw the actual memory of what you and I.." she looked away from him "I saw the memory, and then it was like a reel of film, glimpses of memories over time. All about her, our relationship, how we met, our time together, how it ended." He said sadly.

"Who was she?"

Roy looked away now, not sure how to respond, how much he should tell her or if he should lie.

"Roy there is a part of you that is desperate to be healed, that part of you that called out to me and brought you here. These memories, these people all have something to do with how you got here. You can lie to me if you want, but the part of you who wants to get better, who wants to live, will just keep trying to show me the truth."

He listened, he knew she was right, he wanted to tell her but he was afraid of how she would react, what she would think.

"Do you need to know who? I mean can't I just tell you the problems or why we broke up, is it really that important that you know exactly who she is?" he asked quietly.

Raven didn't say anything at first; she seemed to be thinking carefully about how to respond.

"Keeping secrets is at least partially what got you here Roy, but more than that try to ask yourself why is it so important that her identity remain secret. It's your choice to tell me or not, but from what I have been shown so far, it seems like her identity is very important."

He looked carefully at her, she showed signs of irritation at the mention of what she had 'been shown', she was clearly disturbed by what had happened. He didn't quite understand it all.

"What happened? I mean I understand the memory, but what… I mean with you.." he said awkwardly.

"Your mind forced the memory because we aren't moving fast enough." She said after a thoughtful moment.

"I'm sorry Raven, I just don't understand what that means."

She thought carefully how to explain it so he might really understand, it was important that they make progress soon.

"That forest of twisted trees over there, that is where your memories are, each tree is something different, they aren't all bad, they aren't all associated with what's happening, but that's where your memory lives. We moved away from them to catch our breath after the memory of Green Arrow attacked, moving away keeps them from playing out. Your mind is crying out, you're dying Roy, I don't honestly know how much longer we have. So we must keep going through the key memories and you must fight to move past them, you must fight to live. But like I said there is you, and there is that part of you that really wants to live, it won't stop fighting, it will keep trying until you draw your last breath. That is the part of you that pushed the memory out to us."

He was silent; he was filled with frustration and guilt. He wanted to fight, he just didn't seem to remember how, it had been so long that he had simply let go. Now he was bringing her down with him, and forcing intimate memories on her.

"So, I basically forced you to play Jade." He said.

She looked up at him, she saw the guilt.

"It's true I had no control, it was an overwhelmingly strong memory, the emotion was…, it wasn't a conscious decision Roy. We were too far away for the memory to play itself, it needed a catalyst."

"Why didn't I realize it sooner? The conversation was real, it was what she said, I remember that now. But the words, they could have so easily been yours. I didn't know it wasn't you, I'm sorry Raven, I thought you.. that we…." He blushed and grew embarrassed. "But I should have known it wasn't you, it didn't feel like you. It wasn't your kiss." He said sadly.

He caught a glimpse of her face, her eyes were slightly widened and a blush spread over her. He realized what he had said.

"Not that I know what your kiss is like! I mean I just meant that it wasn't what I expected, not that I expect your kiss, or that I would be able to imagine what it would be like. Not that I've tried I just-"

"So her name was Jade?" she asked quickly, sinking deeper into her cloak hiding her face from view.

He stared at her for a moment, he should have known, she never would have kissed him on her own. He turned away from her and sat down.

"Yea her name was Jade." He paused. "You know her actually." He said sadly with a sigh.

"I do?" she asked with surprise.

"Yea. But you wouldn't know her as Jade. She generally goes by Cheshire." He was quiet; he waited for some kind of reaction. He got none. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes." Was all she replied.

"Guess she's not surprised I could be with a villain." He thought to himself sadly. He let out a sigh and prepared himself to tell her everything.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Roy and Raven sat facing each other quietly, she was still hidden within her cloak, he had his arms resting on his knees and his head down. He took a deep breath and lifted his head to rest his chin on his arm, then he began his story.

"Three years ago I was contracted by the government to infiltrate Cheshire's drug ring. At first I turned it down thinking I wasn't strong enough to be around the stuff. But then I spent a few days with Dinah and I ran into Green Arrow, the look he gave me, I had to prove that I was stronger than that. So I went.

I got in easy enough, I spent the first six months proving myself, I did things I wasn't proud of but was necessary to gain the groups trust. But that was when I met Jade, we spent a lot of time together while I was learning more of the inner workings, then it became more. As far as I knew she was a civilian that they used for information. She would let them know about any areas the police seemed heavily in force or about any new competition within the area. She also provided legal alibis for those who were under suspicion.

I found out much later that Cheshire had seen potential in me; she thought I would make a great second in her team. But she wanted to be sure I was trustworthy so she came to me as Jade to get to know me and decide for herself, she didn't know who I was and neither of us expected to fall in love. But we did. We were even happy.

We had been together a few months when Cheshire announced plans to make a big shipment, I didn't have time to call in back up and I couldn't let the shipment get out. So I went to the warehouse that night and fought my way through her men. When it came down to she and I the fight was intense. It went on for what seemed like hours. At some point we both lost our weapons and had to go hand to hand, I'm not ashamed to admit she is much better than me at hand to hand. I was going down. I tried to put in a final push hoping to take her down with me, but all I managed to do was knock her mask off. When I saw Jade my heart seized. I was shocked, angry, confused, and miserable. I ripped my own mask off and we stared at each other in horror. She recovered first; she hit me hard and knocked me out.

When I woke up I was back in my room, I went to the warehouse and it was cleared out, there were no signs of her people anywhere. I went back home, I had all the information they could want, I could tell them safe house, schedules, preferred shipping routes, the names of her men, and more important I could give them her. Except I couldn't, I gave them small pieces, some of the safe houses and routes, but all of it was pointless I knew they were the first ones she would have purged. I told them I had been found out and that was that. I went back to the tower.

I tried to get back in the routine, tried to fight alongside the team like nothing had changed. But I missed her."

Roy stopped. He put his head down resting his forehead on his arm; he let the tears fall silently. The memories were hard, the pain was still real. But he knew it was necessary. He wiped away the tears that remained cleared his throat and continued.

"After a couple of weeks I couldn't do it anymore, I told Karen that I had been called back to go undercover again and I left. I went after her, to every place I knew she might be, she was nowhere, and then I reached out to contacts I knew and contacts I had made while I was with her. Finally someone knew where she was.

When I found her I was surprised to find her men did not attack me, some welcomed me, some looked at me with confusion and others thought I was a ghost. She hadn't told them it was me who they fought, she had kept my secret and I had kept hers. When we were alone together, we didn't talk. There was so much to say, but we couldn't. We just, we reconnected." he blushed. He looked up at Raven. "The memory that you.. the one that played out, that was the first time we actually talked. That was when decided we would make it work."

He looked at Raven, he could not see her face she had pulled her hood up to hide any expression that may have shown. "She's trying to hide her disgust." He thought bitterly. He considered stopping, saying nothing more.

"Please," Her voice came out weak and a little shaken. "tell me what happened."

There was something in her voice, sadness or pity maybe. He was curious. He pushed the thought aside and continued with his memories.

"We tried to make it work. At the beginning it was great, we were happy and in love. But then it became difficult to ignore our differences. She was still a criminal, still a drug lord. I was still mostly me, but after a while I couldn't stop thinking of all the people she was hurting in the long run, but I couldn't turn her in, I loved her too much. So I started using again to ignore the pain. I just wanted to be happy, to forget the rest. After a few months I began to wonder if we could ever make it work. Then.."

He was silent again, there was so much pain in reliving these memories, and so much more he wanted to forget. So much he had already tried to forget.

"What is it Roy? What happened?" asked Raven.

With tears beginning to fill his eyes he continued.

"Something changed, something… happened. We were happy again, we loved each other, we had a future, and we even made plans. I was happier than I ever thought I could be."

His strength failed him and he cried, he dropped his head and sobbed. Raven came to him she placed an arm carefully around him; he turned and hugged her tightly. He cried harder. She put her arms around him hesitantly, then after a moment, she held him close.

"Tell me what happened Roy, please." She whispered brushing his hair softly with her hand.

He let out a deep breath and let her go. He stood and turned away from her. He prepared to reveal everything.

"We found out that Jade was-"

Roy was interrupted by a sound, a sound that made both he and Raven turn quickly and with panic in the direction it came from. It came again.

"Where is it coming from?" asked Raven, her voice was strained and panicked.

Roy listened again.

"There!" shouted Roy running forward.

They sprinted toward the forest of memory; they were well within the trees before they heard the cry again. They turned and saw something on the ground, it looked like a photo. The clear sound of a crying baby came again.

Roy stepped forward and picked it up slowly, his heart slowed and chest tightened. Raven stepped close enough to see the image, a small gasp escaped her lips. He held the picture and touched it gingerly.

"She happened." whispered Roy sadly, it was an ultrasound. "She was already eight weeks when we found out."


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Thank you for the reviews, I love to hear what you guys think and how you are feeling about the story. Please continue to do so! Here is the newest chapter, again you are likely to get another one if not two this weekend. I am trying really hard to get this story wrapped up and posted for you so I can begin the next one :) Also I didn't know what color eyes Roy had so I chose, if I am wrong, well, in my world his eyes are green :P**

**P.s. Special note to Crazynerd, thankyou so much for all your comments, and I will give you this, that concern you mentioned that Robin might have? It's addressed in the next story :)**

Chapter 17

They were silent for what seemed like an eternity. Both in their own deep thought, one lamenting a terrible loss, one savoring a precious memory.

"I never thought of having a family, I never really had one, I didn't expect that to change. The life I lead isn't really suited to a family. But I never really thought I would fall in love either.

When she told me I was dumbstruck. There was actually a moment I thought I lost my hearing," he laughed. "But when the moment passed, when I really understood what she was saying, I grabbed her I held her close and kissed her. I had never felt so much happiness in my life."

He paused and smiled, a silent tear fell.

"I know and knew then that she wasn't as excited as I was, she was scared. But I was sure she just needed time. I was convinced that our life would be amazing, that we would be happy, we would have our little family and we would live our life the way we wanted.

We started to make plans, there were things we didn't agree on, things we argued about, but it wasn't like before, when we fought it was only a brief argument that ended with a laugh. I wanted to tell my friends, to resign officially from the titans, to let the world know. But she wanted to wait. I guess I should have realized sooner what was happening, I just didn't want to.

For three months I was the happiest I image anyone has ever felt, for three months I had a future, a family. We found out we were having a girl. I was going to have a daughter. I was already imagining how beautiful she would be, and how I would scare off all the little boys who thought they were good enough for my little girl." He smiled softly. "Lian, that was the name we picked."

"What happened to her?" Raven's voice was so quiet, like a whisper.

Roy's smiled turned bitter.

"After I found out about the baby I stopped using again, I wanted to be clean, I found a job and kept myself active. Jade had eased away from her activities, though I couldn't convince her to stop entirely. As far as I knew the gang had moved to another territory and she was in contact via phone or video chat.

I came home from work one night to find that the house was empty. At first I thought we had been robbed, everything had clearly been taken in a hurry. I ran around calling out to her but found no sign of her. That's when I noticed it was only her things that were missing. Some of my stuff was shuffled around but not taken. Then I found the note."

Roy remembered the note, he might have forgot a lot of things in his life, buried even more deep inside, but he could never forget the words that shattered all his hopes and dreams.

_Roy,_

_You painted such a pretty picture. The three of us, a happy little family. I started to actually believe it ya know. I think that's when I realized I needed to go. I saw another life, one with you and Lian and it was beautiful, it was simple and happy. It was not meant for me, I am not so easily satisfied. I love this child, I feel her move inside of me, and I ache to hold her. I love you Roy, I was heartbroken without you. I think I hate you both for this._

_You are both a threat to my freedom. You try to confine me and turn me into what you want. I am not yours to tame. I will always do as I want. You claim to love me, to accept me, but you try to change me. I am leaving, I will disappear from the world until after the child is born. I will give her away and take no information, I will demand she is taken far away from me so I have no idea how to find her. I will never know her and neither will you. That is how I will make you pay for making me love her._

_Goodbye Roy, the next time we see each other we will be on opposite sides again, where we belong. There will be no mercy between us, I will kill you._

The words were burned into his memory.

"What did it say?" asked Raven, her voice still so far away.

"I don't remember," he responded sadly "except that she was leaving and taking our child; that she would give her away and we would never know her." He paused "She is three months old now."

The sound of a crying baby came again, Roy's head shot up and he looked around, everything was gone, Raven, the trees, the sky. There was black everywhere, except one spot where a spotlight seemed to shine down on a light pink basinet. The cry came again, from the basinet. Roy ran as fast as he could to it. He looked inside and found nothing. His heart sank.

Another cry ran out, he glanced up and saw another light with another basinet. Again he ran to it, and again he found nothing. This happened ten more times, each time he felt himself grow heavier and heavier making harder and harder to move to the next basinet. After the fifteenth try a small sob escaped his lips.

"I'll never be able to find her." He whispered as he fell to his knees.

"Shh there there, momma's got you." Came a voice not far from Roy.

He looked up and saw Cheshire, her smiling mask covering the face he loved so deeply, she stood beside a new basinet, holding what appeared to be a bundled baby against her shoulder. Her clawed hands patting the back softly. He pulled himself to his feet and started to move towards her. She tilted her head to the side and with one quick movement of her hands she showed that the baby she held was nothing more than a bundled up blanket. Roy stopped and fell back to his knees heavily. Cheshire laughed.

"You will never find her. She is lost to you."

Her voice was pure hatred, it echoed and shook him. A cry rang out, then another, and another, he looked around him and saw more and more basinets. The black room was filling with spotlights and basinets, the cries were getting louder and louder.

"Eeny, meeny, miny, mo…" laughed Cheshire dancing through the basinets.

Roy looked around, he tried to focus, he looked in two more, the crying was louder, her laughter mixed in. For every basinet he checked three more seemed to appear. It was impossible.

"You'll never be able to find her, it's just too hard. So many places she could have been sent, so many things could have happened. You don't even know when she was born. It's impossible." Whispered Cheshire into his ear.

He felt so heavy, he couldn't even lift himself up, his heart was broken, his spirit was broken. He couldn't do it. He couldn't find her, it was impossible.

"It's impossible." He whispered.

He felt a soft hand against his cheek, his eyes lifted and he looked into her beautiful brown eyes.

"My poor poor love. You're in so much pain."

Her voice was honeyed and warm. He remembered this voice, the way it used to brighten his days.

"What's wrong my love?"

She lifted his chin to look at her. She was as beautiful as he remembered. The pain in his heart was renewed and doubled.

"I miss you Jade. It hurts so much. I miss our dreams, I can't find our daughter. It all hurts so much." He cried.

She smiled at him again and stoked his cheek softly.

"It's ok Roy, I'm here to make it better, to make the pain go away."

She held her other hand out him. In it was a familiar object, a syringe. He looked up at her sadly. He tried to get up, to walk away, but his hand was already reaching for it. Why wasn't he ever strong enough, what would it take to finally make him find his strength. He closed his eyes as his hand was about to touch the hateful object, not wanting to witness his own weakness.

"Daddy!" shouted a small voice.

Roy's eyes shot open, Jade was gone, the basinets were gone, the black room was gone. Around him was a small garden. There were cherry blossoms trees in full bloom everywhere he looked. There were flowers everywhere and a small wooden fence that protected them from a dirt path that seemed to lead to a small cottage. He looked around and was amazed by the beauty of it all.

"Daddy!" came the small voice again.

Roy turned to find a little girl of about four running up the path opposite the direction of the cottage towards him. She had black wavy hair, and a small nose wider than it was long. But she had his green eyes.

"Lian?" he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

The little girl laughed and ran to him, she jumped and he caught her in his arms. She wrapped her small arms around his neck and held him tightly.

"That's my name, don't wear it out!" he said in a sing song voice into his ear.

He was filled with confusion, shock and overwhelming joy. He hugged her tightly and laughed with her. He held her as long as she would let him and then chased her through the garden. She told him jokes and he laughed merrily. After a long and wonderful time together she took his hand and led him towards the cottage.

"Who lives there?" he asked.

"Don't be silly daddy, we live there." She laughed.

He looked at the cottage curiously. As they got closer he saw someone else standing near the cottage hunched over on the ground, Roy quickly pulled Lian protectively behind a nearby tree. He was afraid that it might be Cheshire. Lian giggled at him.

"Daddy, why are we hiding?" she whispered.

" Because we don't know who that is, and we should always be careful around strangers ." he replied still watching the form near the cottage.

Lian laughed and wiggled away running towards the cottage.

"Lian!" he shouted and darted after her.

She ran over to the hunched person and hugged them with another giggle. The stranger hugged her back.

"It's not a stranger daddy."

The stranger lifted Lian into her arms and held her close, she turned to face Roy and before him stood Raven.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Raven held Lian in her arms balancing the extra weight of the small child on her hip. There was a soft smile on her lips when she saw Roy.

"Glad you could join us Roy."

He looked at her, looked at the little girl that he knew was his, looked at this beautiful place.

"Raven, what is this place? What's going on? How is she.."

She smiled at him.

"The world doesn't have to be bad Roy, not everything has to be painful. There are ways to be happy, there are good days. Beautiful places, kind people, wonderful memories. You just need to be willing to find them and fight for them."

She tickled Lian who giggled and squirmed in her arms. Her little smile never faded, never faltered. She was joy and happiness. Roy watched her with sad eyes, Raven noticed.

"Lian, there are so many flowers here; have you found your favorite?" Raven asked the little girl with kindness in her voice.

The girl smiled back up at her.

"Not yet, they are all so pretty."

Raven put Lian down and crouched to her level.

"I want you to look around and find your favorite flower; will you do that for me?"

Lian smiled brightly and nodded her head before running off to the first flower bed. Raven watched her for a few moments in silence, her own heart ached, but she pushed it aside and stood to look at Roy.

"No one should ever be able to look at their child with such a sad expression." She whispered. She walked closer to him and linked her arm with his to lead him away from the ears of the small child. She lead him to a small stone bench not far from the small cottage, where they could still watch Lian run from flower patch to flower patch on her mission.

"She's so beautiful Raven. I never tried to imagine her, I mean when I thought about the future I thought about the baby, I thought about the boys who would see how beautiful she was. But I never actually tried to imagine how beautiful she would actually be. She's so beautiful."

"And this makes you sad?" Raven laughed.

"She's not real." Roy's voice cracked. "This isn't real." The tears fell from his eyes silently.

Raven put an arm around him and brought him to her into an embrace; she rubbed his back lightly and held the back of his neck comfortingly.

"But she is real. This place, that girl, they might only be in your mind now, but they can be real. Your daughter is out there, somewhere. You could have her in your life; you could have this life with her. You just have to keep trying."

Roy cried softly into Raven's shoulder, his heart was so heavy. The memory of the black room full of empty basinets, the pain of Jade's betrayal, the fear of never being able to find his daughter, it was all too much to bear. But this, this place, it was peaceful, it was beautiful. Here he had his daughter, here he could be happy. Here he could be with her; they could live in this beautiful place together and have a wonderful life. His tears slowed, his heart lightened, he smiled.

"You're right Raven. This can be real, this could be my life. I could be with her forever."

Raven smiled happily, they pulled away from each other and she took his hands in hers.

"I am so glad to hear you say that Roy, I am happy that you have finally found something to fight for, something-"

"You could stay with us too." He interrupted softly.

Her smile faltered and her brows furrowed slightly.

"What?" she asked

He gripped her hands gently.

"This place, this beautiful place, here I can have a life with my daughter, there she is. Here it is peaceful and right. I have never imagined a more perfect place. There is no fear or danger. I'm going to stay with her here. I will fight to keep this place alive in me. Here I have everything. You could stay with us, Lian likes you, I know you would like it here, and I-"

"Roy, you can't just stay here, this is just an image in your mind. It's not meant to last. It's supposed to show you something, to help you find what you're missing. This isn't a solution or permanent."

"But she's here Raven! I have a life with her here! A perfect, beautiful life, why would I give that up? Why would I give her up?" he said excitedly letting go of her hands and standing to watch Lian in the flowerbeds, fearful that somehow the image of her would fade away.

"Roy, Roy just listen to me, the real Lian is out there, she is a baby in the real world and you can find her. You can share a whole life with her. You just have to keep trying! This place isn't real, it's just a dream." Her voice was sad and desperate.

He didn't respond, he only continued to watch Lian.

"Roy-"

"It's too hard Raven, I will never be able to find her out there. I can't take that, I won't survive the disappointment. Here I can see her, talk to her, out there nothing, this is better than nothing. You don't have to stay Raven. There is nothing else for you to show me. I won't leave this place."

His voice was distant and firm. His heart and mind were set; Raven knew there was nothing she could say. Her heart broke; there was nothing she could do. She reached out and took his hand.

He glanced down at her small hand in his; he smiled and looked back out at his daughter.

"Thank you Raven."

"No Roy, don't thank me. Not for this." She whispered, too quietly for him to hear. She pulled up the hood of her cloak so that he could also be blind to her tears.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: This is kind of like a mini chapter, more of a quick check in of how the inside is effecting the outside.**

Chapter 19

"Can you try to go in?" asked Cyborg quietly.

"I told you Cy, Nevermore has been locked to me since she went into the coma. I don't even know if it exists right now." Sighed Robin.

Robin paced back and forth in his private office. The image of Cyborg on his monitor looked sadly back at him.

"I don't know what to do Robin. It's getting worse." His voice was thick and weak. He was holding back the grief he felt.

Three days ago the small difference in Raven's vitals became noticeably different. Her heart still held strong but in the past three days all the rest of her vitals were growing weaker and weaker. It had now been two weeks since that awful day.

Robin wanted to rush back and be by her side but Slade was back in town and he could not leave. With both Raven and Cyborg unavailable he had had to call in new back up, Jinx and Kid Flash were doing their best to fill in but they were affected by the news of the situation. Jinx especially, though Flash tried to cheer her up.

Robin was worried, he didn't understand what was happening to Raven, why were her vitals failing, was it too late? Would he lose her? Why couldn't he help her? His anger boiled out and he slammed his fists into the desk. Cyborg let out a sigh.

"What about Speedy?" asked Robin through clenched teeth.

"He's starting to show the slow decay that Raven had before."

"How long?"

"Three days."

Robin considered this. Roy had held strong vitals the entire time, Raven had shown signs early on of decline. Now the same time that Raven took a turn for the worst, Roy began to fail. There had to be a connection. If he could only reach them, find the problem, help them.

"Damn it!" he hit the desk again.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Roy was overjoyed, he could not wish for a happier life. They spent their days roaming the beautiful land, they had found a small brook with a wooden bridge crossing it. He and Lian would watch the falling cherry blossoms land in the water and be carried away, she would name each one and give it a small story. He would listen and smile. Lian had decided that the cherry blossom was her favorite flower; Raven had taken a small thin branch and pressed it in a book for her.

Raven did not spend much time with them, she often would walk alone through the trees or read on the stone bench while Roy and Lian played their games or explored. When she was with them she appeared to be just as happy as they were. Roy was sure she didn't regret her decision to stay.

He sat in the grass a small distance from the cottage watching the two of them now, Raven was planting a new flower; she had done that a lot the past few days. Lian sat watching her and waiting for her turn to add dirt or water.

"I never agreed with Oliver, when he called you selfish and unworthy. We always fought on that point."

Roy was surprised to see Dinah sitting in the grass beside him.

"Dinah!" he cried out excitedly.

"You always had a kind heart, no matter how many wrong choices you made or how much you doubted yourself, you still cared more about the people you love than yourself." She continued almost as if she didn't hear him.

"Dinah?"

She turned and looked him in the eye. There was anger.

"I was wrong."

"What are you talking about?" he asked

"How could you be so stupid? So cruel? So selfish?" she hissed.

He stared at her in shock.

"Can you really not see what you are doing to her? How you are destroying her by keeping her trapped here?"

He turned and looked at Lian, destroying her? She was wrong, Lian was happy, she wanted to be with him. She loved it here. Dinah just didn't know her.

"Dinah you're wrong, she's happy to be here with me, please come with me I want you to meet my daughter." He said happily.

She slapped him hard.

"That is not your daughter. Your daughter is a three month old babe somewhere in the world, the real world."

He stared at her, hurt and anger coursed through him.

"This is my daughter Dinah, this is the only one I have a chance to be with."

"You selfish bastard." She hissed.

She punched him in the stomach and then struck a knee to his jaw as he doubled over. His head flew back, pain shot through his entire body as he fell to the ground. Dinah moved to stand over him, anger flared across her face. She kicked him hard in the ribs. He let out a groan and tried to tighten himself into a ball.

"Dinah, please stop." He begged breathlessly.

She kicked him again. He cried out in pain.

"You would dare ask me for mercy? After what you have done!"

Dinah bent down and lifted him by the collar; he looked up at her hoping she would stop. She punched him hard across the face.

He lay on the grass panting, his body riddled with pain. She stopped hitting him, but he knew it was only a break.

"Please Dinah, I don't understand. Why is it so wrong to want my daughter? She is my daughter, we never should have been separated!" he shouted through angry tears.

"She is a lie. This is not real, this is all a lie!" she shouted back at him.

"It's all I have!" his voice was bitter and sad. "I don't know where she is or how to find her out there. But she's here; here I can be with her. I don't care if it's a lie, this is what I have."

"You're pathetic. For this," she raised her arms to motion to the scene that surrounded them, "for this you would kill a friend." Her voice dripped with anger and disgust.

He stared up at her, he didn't understand.

"What do you mean kill a friend?"

"Raven." Was all she said.

Roy turned his head painfully to see Raven, she still sat with Lian planting the same flowers she had been earlier.

"What are you talking about?"

"You are selfish."

He tried to sit up but the pain was too much.

"You said I was killing a friend and you said Raven, what do you mean?"

"She will not survive much longer, she was already so weak and now with this place, so much of her is being used. She cannot last much longer."

Panic was starting to take root. He pushed past the pain and sat up resting on his elbows.

"What are you talking about! Just tell me!" he shouted.

"Raven is dying."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

"That's not possible. She can't be dying. Look at her, she looks fine!" he said pointing at Raven still planting her flowers. "And she's not trapped, she wants to stay."

Dinah punched him again.

"Are you really this stupid? She looks 'fine' because she hopes you will be healed through living this lie, that it will give you hope enough to fight. She does not know the depth of your selfishness." Her words came out like poison.

He stared at Raven, was it true? Was she really hiding her suffering? Lian danced around her now, she bumped Raven softly, enough to knock her hood back slightly. Her hair was dull; the normally deep shade of purple had turned very dull and worn. Raven pulled the hood back up. He sat up.

"Why doesn't she heal herself? If something is wrong why doesn't she heal."

"This is not her mind, or her body. She cannot wield her normal power here only a fraction of it. Every time she uses her power here she uses a piece of herself."

Realization hit him, horror and pain filled his heart. He thought back to her begging him to fight as she tried to maintain the shield. He remembered how tired she had been from healing him, both times.

"You mean that when she protected me, when she healed me. Each of those things she did to save me, was killing her?"

"And creating this place. Yes."

"What do you mean?"

"This," again she raised her arms to indicate all that he saw around him, "is not a memory, it couldn't be. It is not your dream, you have never seen anything like it before. Where did it come from? How could you have a safe haven in your mind that you have never thought of before."

He was quiet as he looked around. It was beautiful, it was calming and peaceful, he loved it here. But she was right, it wasn't any where he knew and he doubted he could have imagined a place like this on his own.

"She created it. She brought it to you out of her own mind. Maintaining it is wearing her down faster every moment." She said.

"Why can't she just leave?" his voice a whisper as he choked back the pain he felt for Raven.

"You won't let her."

"What? No, I told her she could go, I asked her to stay if she wanted to I never forced her to stay."

"Your words mean nothing. Why do you think she's here Roy."

He watched Raven and Lian, Lian danced around, Raven continued to garden. But he could see now, see her movements becoming slower, and see the colors of the flowers weren't as vibrant as they used to be. Anger filled him.

"Because of you, she's here because you called her here! You brought her into my mind to try to guide me through the things you couldn't! You're the reason she's dying!" he shouted.

He moved to try to hit Dinah but she moved faster, she dodged him and returned another punch to his gut, he let out an oomph as the wind was knocked out of him. He fell to the ground in a huddled mess. His eyes had watered from the pain of the blow, he gasped for air.

Dinah stood above him anger flowing off of her in waves. Her eyes were dark and her mouth set in a hard line.

"We did not call to her."

"We?" he coughed out.

"I am the last of your guidance, the last of your rational mind. We were made of all the good in you, all the brave and true. You have been killing us all off slowly for a long time."

Her voice was angry and distant. He listened intently and saw that behind her shadows began to appear he looked at each one, and each came with a rush of images, a rush of memories and understanding.

He saw Oliver, the man who had taken him in with a true interest in his well being. Oliver had always separated himself from his counterpart, where Green Arrow was cold and angry, Oliver was kind and concerned. When Roy had turned to drugs he had angered and disappointed Green Arrow, but Oliver had felt helpless, unsure of how to help. Roy had shut him out instead of talking to him when he had problems. Green Arrow had made the final blow and left him on the street, but Roy had been the one to leave Oliver out.

He saw Brave Bow, the Navajo chief that had raised him after his real father died in a forest fire. This man had first taught Roy archery, had given him focus, and taught him patience and peace. Roy had forgotten him a long time ago.

He saw Bumble Bee, his friend and leader, more than that, his sister. They teased each other and he went out of his way to drive her crazy but she put up with him, supported him. She was always there for him, even when he didn't deserve it. He had pushed her away when things got tough, had shut her out after Jade. He had become quiet, then cruel. She knew he was using, she tried to stop him tried to get him to get help but he wouldn't and she still tried to protect him.

He saw Robin, the man who had given him new purpose, who had trusted him to help build a new titan team in Steel.

"It will be hard. We will never be Batman or Green Arrow, and we'll never try to be. We will each be our own hero, have allies who we trust. We'll watch out for each other, respect each other. I will never turn my back on you Roy and I know you won't turn yours on me."

Those were the words Robin had spoken the day he asked him to join the titans.

His focus returned to Dinah, the one who saved him. The mother he never had. She knelt down beside him; her eyes no longer carried the fire of anger, but now filled with sadness and pity.

"She came because you called to her. Because your fear was so strong, she wanted to help you, no matter the cost."

"My fear of dying?" he asked quietly, he knew the answer but he didn't want to admit it, didn't want to say it.

"Your fear of dying alone." She replied sadly.

He held his head in his hands and wept. He had called her into his mind, had trapped her here. She came to help him, to give him hope, to lead him back into life. He called her here to die with him.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

It felt like hours since Dinah had left him. He watched Lian and Raven, they walked among the flowers Lian dancing and laughing, Raven seemed to enjoy it, she played along. But with every glance it became clearer to Roy just how much she was suffering. His eyes had been opened and he could see it now.

He stood and took a deep breath, he walked to them. As he reached them Lian ran to him and jumped into his arms. He held her tightly, breathed her in, and listened to her small laugh. After a few cherished minutes he asked her to go play in the flowers so that he could speak with Raven, she gave him her best smile and another wonderful hug before running off. He watched her go in silence.

"What's up Roy?"asked Raven quietly.

He turned to her again; her cloak was no longer a vibrant shade, now it looked sun bleached.

"What is this place Raven?" he asked.

She looked at him for a moment; she seemed to be considering what he might be asking. She didn't respond.

"I know it's not mine. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, I love it here, there is nothing better I could ever imagine, but this is something I could never have imagined or created on my own."

She looked sad, and as if another layer had been removed from his vision, she looked tired, she looked worn; she looked like she was dying. A lump caught in his throat.

"I gave it to you." She whispered, "I thought it would help."

"It's beautiful." He hesitated "How, how did you create her."

A long silence passed, she pulled her hood further up and moved away from him. She sat on the stone bench, he joined her.

"I pieced together bits and pieces of you and Jade, her image is in your memories it wasn't difficult."

"But she's alive, she has her own thoughts her own personality, how did you do that?"

She didn't respond only turned away from him. He didn't want to push her, whatever it was seemed to upset her and he had already done enough damage.

"Raven, I know what keeping this place for me is doing to you. I know it's tearing you apart; I can't do that to you. Please, let it go." He said sadly.

She turned to him quickly.

"What?" her shock was clear.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have, please Raven let go of this place, let it crumble away. I appreciate what you have done for me, I cherish the moments I have had with her," he paused sadly, "but please just let this place go."

"I.. I can't." she said. There was a strange pain in her voice he didn't understand.

"Please Raven."

"No Roy, I can't, you don't really want me to anyway." She said softly. He heard her sniffle.

"Raven?"

"Please Roy go play with your daughter." Her voice shook.

He moved to stand in front of her, he kneeled down so that he might look into her hidden face. She tried to turn away but he caught her face in his hands, he moved and pulled down her hood. She was crying.

"What's wrong Raven? Are you in pain?" his concern was strong.

"I can't destroy this place Roy, I can't."

"Why not?"

She let the tears fall freely; a gasp of pain she couldn't hold back came out. It all was so much for her. He stayed quiet, he held her hands offering her comfort but giving her space. After a few silent moments of tears she spoke again.

"The reason Lian has a personality, has thoughts, and laughter. The reason there was a child here to build on is because this place, everything here, it wasn't mine, I didn't create it. My daughter did." Her voice ached with pain.

Roy didn't know how to respond, he didn't know she had a daughter, didn't know she had ever let anyone close enough to have the opportunity to have a daughter. The only time he had heard of her having had a relationship was the dragon from the book, it couldn't have been him, could it? He couldn't ask, he didn't know what to ask. But why was she so sad, why had her voice shook with pain at recalling her daughter, it struck him, there might be a good reason he had never known about her daughter. He moved to sit beside her on the bench again, he took the risk and wrapped an arm around her holding her closely against him.

"Tell me." Was all he said, in the most comforting voice he could.

"Two years ago I was happy, and in an instant it was all over. This place, this is all I have left of her, of any of it. These are her dreams." Her voice was sad, but she tried to keep it steady. "I had a psychic link to her, when I lost her," she paused, "this was the only dream she had had before."

"It's a beautiful dream." He said softly. Feeling like an idiot the moment he said it.

Raven smiled at him. Maybe he wasn't an idiot.

"It is. Her father and I talked about this place, or rather we tried to imagine a place where we could be happy and safe and free from all the crime we both knew. A place of peace where we could raise her, this was the place she dreamt of as we spoke of it." She looked around, fresh tears fell.

"Can I ask," he began, then thought better of it. "Never mind."

"You want to know who the father was." She said.

He looked at her and nodded, trying not to show how strong his curiosity really was.

She smiled again.

"When you told me about Jade, about Cheshire, I didn't react as you expected me too. You probably thought I was insulting you, that I thought your faults somehow made it easier to believe that you would fall in love with a villain as opposed to the rest of us who could never do that." She said and looked at him for confirmation.

"Pretty much." He said turning away from her.

"I wasn't. Love isn't something you can control; who you fall in love with is no more your choice than your parents. When you told me your story I could not react because it was so familiar to me. I fell in love with a villain too."

"So it was the guy from the book? But that was way more than two years ago, did he come back? I thought you sent him flyin-"

"Roy, shut up. You really aren't good at guessing and I don't have the energy for the interruptions." Her voice was playful but still held the sadness and weariness.

Roy was quiet, he promised himself he would cause her no more discomfort.

"The man that I loved, that I hoped and wished for a life with, was named Eric Larson. He was kind and giving, he devoted himself to helping people the only way he knew how. It might not have been the best way but no one who knows, who really knows, what he did can deny he helped a lot of people. But you wouldn't know him as Eric Larson; you would only know him as Red X." her voice got quiet at the end.

He stared at her, he was shocked. Raven had loved Red X, not only loved but planned a future with, planned to have a family with. Red X, the Red X. The famous thief had stolen Raven's heart. It would have made him laugh if there wasn't another feeling in him, one of confusion, of sadness. He didn't understand it, but it didn't matter right now.

Right now he remembered a report he had read after coming home but before going back to find Jade, a report about a shipment of weapons for Slade that the Titans had interrupted, and where Red X had died.

He looked at her, she looked back at him, and the tears fell quicker from her eyes. He brought her into him and hugged her tightly; he rubbed her back softly and pet her hair.

"It's ok Raven, you don't have to talk about this anymore if you don't want to." He whispered.

She laid her head on his shoulder and cried a while longer. When the pain eased up she continued.

"I lost them both that night. I watched him die on that ship, there was nothing I could do. My heart broke and I lost control, my powers surged and it killed her too. This place was all that was left of our connection. This dream of hers, I thought that if you could see a life with your daughter that you might be able to fight for it. " her voice was sad but steady. She pulled away and looked him in the eye. "Your daughter is alive Roy. Please fight for her, don't let me destroy my daughter's dreams for nothing."

His eyes widened and a jolt of panic ran though him.

"Destroy?" he asked

She turned away.

"This is not my mind Roy, and this is not your memory. I had to bring this place from my mind into yours, and what doesn't belong here can't stay here."

He pulled away and put his head in his hands.

"This is all my fault. I am so sorry Raven, I didn't know."

She laid a hand on his back and gently stroked him.

"You could never have known I would do this, or even what this place was. I took the chance. I knew the cost. You are not to blame." Her voice was soft and warm. A voice he wanted to hear more of.

"You don't understand." He stood up and walked away from her. He paced back and forth in front of her. "I am selfish. I am a selfish bastard and I have trapped you here, I have caused you nothing but pain, nothing but sadness and pain. I am killing you."

"Roy-" she began

"No, Raven, you don't understand." He stopped and looked at her; his heart ached at the obvious signs of death on her. Her eyes were cloudy, her skin was more white then ashen, her hair was almost colorless, and her clothing looked old and ragged. "I did this to you."

"Roy-"

He moved forward kneeling before her again and taking her hands in his, they were cold and bony.

"Raven I was the one who called you here, but it's not what you think." He swallowed. Trying to make the words come out.

"I know Roy." She said

"No, Raven, you don't understand. I am so sorry. I.." his mouth felt dry, his heart raced. She looked at him with so much patience and understanding, it broke his heart again and again. "I didn't bring you here to save me." He couldn't look at her.

She moved her hands out of his; he wasn't surprised, she should be angry. He felt her hands touch his face and he jumped in surprise. She lifted his chin to look at her. Their eyes met, she still had that look of understanding, of patience.

"Roy, I know." She whispered.

"You.. knew?" he could not hide the confusion.

"I told you when I got here that I felt everything you felt as you lay there dying. I felt your loneliness, your sadness, your desperation. You wanted to die, to end the suffering, to end the pain. But the thought of being alone was too much for you to bear; you called out to me to comfort you, to go with you."

"Why would you come? If you knew why I called out to you, why would you come to me?"

Her hand stroked his cheek softly.

"I couldn't ignore you. Your suffering was so strong, so familiar. I couldn't leave you alone. But I also felt something else, as much as you had done to hurt yourself, to destroy all of your self-worth there was still something in you, a small light. That small part that did want to live. I wanted to help you Roy, I would try to show you the way to survive, to convince you to live, and if I couldn't, I at least wouldn't leave you alone. I couldn't do that to you."

He stared up at her, she had come willingly to her death so that he would not be alone. He reached a hand up to her cheek and she leaned into it.

"How could anyone ever see darkness in you." He whispered.

She smiled softly at him.

"I have let so many people down Raven, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm scared that's all I can do."

"Roy, you are lost, it will take time but you will find yourself again and-" she couldn't finish. Her eyes went wide and her mouth held open as if she were frozen. A strong look of pain came into her eyes.

Roy heard that familiar laughed again and caught the small glint of metal, his eyes glanced down at Ravens stomach and saw four metal points covered in her blood coming out of her. They retracted into her and she slumped over into his arms, behind her crouched Cheshire, the always smiling mask stared coldly at Speedy before she disappeared. The beauty around him rippled and waved, and then began to fade away the trees, the flowers, the small cottage was the last to go, but not before he saw his little girl look out at him from the window with a smile and a wave.

He looked down at Raven in his arms; he laid her down and tried to look at the wound. There was too much blood.

"Raven.. Raven listen to me. I can't help with this, I don't have anything to bind you with, come one Raven you have to heal." He begged.

She coughed.

He moved so that he was looking down at her face, her eyes were closed he moved her gently to rest her head on his lap and stroked her hair.

"Raven, please you have to heal."

Her eyes fluttered, and then opened slightly.

"Raven, come on I need you, please I can't lose you. Just heal, Ok? Just heal." He whispered holding her close.

"I can't." she whispered then coughed. "It's too late."

"Raven, don't say that! You can do anything, you are the strongest person I have ever met, and you can do this please. Please." He cried.

She smiled at him

"Thank you, for letting me see her dreams one last time."

"No, no, no. You need to wake up and heal Raven, you aren't dying!" he pulled her close to his chest holding her tightly and rocking her, his tears fell on her.

"Roy. You aren't alone." Her breaths were getting weaker.

"I know, because you aren't going to die."

"No Roy, you've never been alone. You never will be." Her voice was getting softer.

"Please don't go Raven, please."

"You'll never disappoint me Roy, I trust you to do the right the thing."

"I will do anything for you Raven, just don't die, please!"

"Don't give up." She reached up to him and touched his cheek with a smile, he looked her in the eye, saw her light fading. His heart was breaking all over again. He bent forward and pressed his lips softly to hers. She was cold but her lips were still warm, they felt inviting and comfortable. A warmth mixed with sadness in his body it was bittersweet. She kissed him back, for a moment.

He felt her go. Felt the soft warmth of her presence disappear from his mind, felt the light weight of her body leave his arms. He opened his eyes and saw himself alone again. His tears renewed, his heart shattered and a guttural scream escaped his lips.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Alone, alone again. Roy sat on the ground, his arms still in the same position they had held her body in as she died. There was no warmth, no blood, nothing to show she had ever been there. He didn't know how long he had been there, it felt like decades. His tears had dried out years ago.

"The life I lead is not easy; it is filled with regret, doubt, fear, and sadness. This kind of life will break you, it will destroy you. But it will rebuild you, give you purpose, even in your most bitter moments you will see the good you do. Though you might feel alone at times, you will never be alone." Whispered a voice behind Roy.

Slowly he turned his head to look, he saw the shadowy figure of Oliver Queen, it became lighter and more solid as Roy remembered the day Oliver offered him his role as Speedy.

"You won't always be there for me." Whispered Roy sadly. It was what he had said that day, only then it had been a question.

"No Roy I won't. Someday you will be on your own. I can't promise you I will always be there, something could happen to me, something could happen to you, or something could just happen. We don't know. But you are strong, skilled, and smart, I have no doubt you can handle the world on your own. No matter whom it places in your way."

The image of Oliver disappeared, in his place stood Green Arrow, a wicked grin on his face.

"I was an idiot to have ever thought you could handle anything on your own." His voice came out annoyed. "It's over Speedy. This time there is no Dinah to save you, and no Raven to protect you. Accept your failure."

He lifted his bow and shot, Roy rolled quickly away, he got up and jumped in time to avoid another shot. Roy ran into the twisted trees for cover. An arrow stuck out of the tree he passed, barely missing him. Roy dove and ducked and jumped over roots and branches. He hid behind the largest tree he could find, trying to catch his breath.

"You pathetic child running and hiding, your weakness it disgusting, no wonder you couldn't save her. She wasted her life on you."

Roy wanted to be angry, to feel the heat rise in him and help him fight back, but it hurt so much, it was true. He had called her here; he had been the cause of her death. His head dropped as the shame washed over him.

There was the sound of a thud near him, he held his breath. Nothing happened. He risked a glance around the tree but saw nothing, when he turned back he found himself staring at the strong figure of Brave Bow.

Roy stared up at him in awe. It had been a long time since Roy had thought of him. He had taught him archery, had taught him about purpose, patience. Roy didn't remember his real father. He had been in the ranger station when his father died, he was only three years old and had no other family. Brave Bow had taken him in, raised him as his own and taught him all he could until he died and Roy became Oliver's ward.

"You have a greater purpose than you will ever understand. There is no doubt in the arrow, it follows your guidance, knows you will send it straight and true. The bow bends to your will; it trusts your strength to give it power but not to break it. Trust yourself and you will find strength, let go of the doubt and you will fly straight and true like your arrow."

The words whispered to Roy, this is what Brave Bow had said to him after telling him that Oliver would raise him, these were the last words he said before he died. Roy looked up at the man before him; Brave Bow made a motion to the ground and bowed slightly before he disappeared. Roy looked down and smiled lightly. On the ground before him lay his bow and quiver full of arrows.

Placing the weapon on him felt great, like a part of him had been missing. He moved silently among the trees looking for Green Arrow. The softest his of the wind brought his bow up with an arrow ready to fly he spun fast and let loose the arrow. His arrow hit its target, one of Green Arrow's. They faced each other both having already replaced their arrow, bowstring pulled back at the ready.

Green Arrow laughed, he let loose, a second later so did Roy. Another soft hiss of the wind and Roy angled himself ever so slightly away from the other archer the arrow missing him by less than an inch. The soft muffled sound of impact told him the other archer had not been as lucky. Roy looked back at Green Arrow a look of shock hung on his face. He glanced down at the arrow that stuck out of his chest like a beacon to his heart, he lifted his gaze back up to Roy, he smiled and fell to the ground. Moments after he landed his body faded away, the arrow that killed him remained.

Roy reached down to retrieve it but he pulled his hand back quickly. Next to the arrow was a syringe. The anger flared in him and he raised his foot to crush it when he felt the deep, burning pain of metal in flesh.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

The metal claws stuck out of his side, she had pierced him through but avoided anywhere permanent, if she moved or twisted he would be in danger. She was playing with him. She unhooked his quiver and it landed on the ground with a thud. The pain burned through him setting his nerves on fire, the anger of losing his quiver only made the fire spread.

She pressed her body against his back, the warmth of her lips touched his neck, it made Roy jump, which moved the razor sharp claws ever so slightly causing an intense pain, he groaned in response.

"Oh baby did you miss me?" she whispered against the back of his neck and rested her head against him.

At one time even her most devilish voice, especially her most devilish, could make him wild. Make him crave her touch, her scent, her taste. But now, now even the memories of their endless nights together couldn't change the way he saw her, as Lian's kidnapper, as Raven's killer.

"Go to hell." He hissed.

"Mmm," she brought her free hand up to his chest, "you say the sweetest things love." She pressed the razors edge against his chest and pulled her arm back quickly leaving four deep gashes on him.

The involuntary jerk caused her to tear at his side more. His teeth ground in a mixture of pain and frustration. She pulled him tightly against her, he let out a yell. She kissed his neck again.

"Sweet, sweet boy. Why aren't you happy to see me? You followed me across the world, you abandoned your life for me. I am your everything." She whispered into the side of his neck.

He didn't respond. She pulled her claws out of him and the release pushed even more pain through him, before he had a chance to do anything besides scream she had kicked him hard knocking him down and turned him on his back, she got on top of him and pressed her claws sharply against the wound on his chest. His breaths were ragged, the pain was growing every second, he expected it would dull eventually as it always had, but it didn't the fire continued to burn and he felt it on every nerve in his body.

"You protected me, you kept secrets for me, you looked the other way at the things I did. You love me Roy, I am the only woman you have ever loved, the only one you will ever love." The smile on her face was so like the smile of her mask.

He had done everything she said and more. He had loved Jade so intensely he had lost himself in her. Given up everything he believed in, lied to himself and the people he cared about. He had turned his back on his city and his friends. He would have done anything for her, gone anywhere, and been anyone. She had been his everything.

But she wasn't anymore.

He ground his teeth together to pull up the strength he needed, fought through the crippling pain that seemed still to be growing in his body and confusing his mind. He managed to remember how to speak.

"You're right Jade," he said with a strained voice, she smiled, "I gave up everything for you, I gave up myself for you. You were my everything, my world, my reason for living. And you were the only woman I had ever loved. But not anymore."

Her face drew back in a scowl; anger flashed and then went away.

"I killed that meddling little bitch." Her voice came out smooth and calm, but he knew her, he heard the anger and bitterness.

"I wasn't talking about her." He looked her in the eye, saw the question. "You took her from me, you hid her away and I don't even know where to begin, but I will find her. I will find my daughter and she will know how much her father loves her."

She kept her face steady, and then smiled at him, he found the darkness creeping around them again, and slowly lights seemed to turn on out of nowhere, the basinets appeared, and eventually the small cries came.

"You will never find her, she is lost to you. All you will ever know is longing and loss. The pain of knowing she is out there somewhere, unsure if she is being taken care of, if she has love, it will consume you."

He looked around at the basinets, each cry seemed to say "I am Lian!" he wanted to run to each of them, search for her. But he knew he would not find her, he would never find her. Not here.

"I won't give up Jade. I will find her no matter how long it takes. I might suffer while I don't know where she is or if she is being taken care of, but I will find comfort knowing that I am still looking and that when I find her she will always have me to take care of her and love her."

"And what a great father you will be the addict who tried to kill himself. Yes she will be so proud. What about the next time you feel down in the dumps Roy, the next time the pain is just too much for you. What happens to the girl then? Maybe she will pick up your habits." She smiled angrily "Face it Roy you are a lousy man, you would make a terrible father, you can't take care of yourself, how are you going to handle raising a child alone. You can't you are too weak."

The angry eyes returned. She kept her expression soft and calm but the eyes said it all, they told him how she hated him, how she hated their life together, how she hated their child. But more than anything they told him how much she hated herself for having wanted to keep it all.

But her words were true, as much as he wanted to have his daughter he couldn't deny that she had made valid points. He was an addict, he had tried to die. He had no way of knowing if this would be the last time he fell back into this hole. Would his daughter have to watch him go through this, would she use to hide her own pain? Could he keep her from that all on his own?

_"You've never been alone."_

He seemed to hear the whisper of a memory. He looked at Jade again, she was so alone, empty and cold. He wasn't like her, his heart ached to have it all, to have that life, to be with their child. His heart was broken and lost but it wasn't cold, he was warm. He could get better, he could change, and he would.

"I'm not alone, I never have been." He said with a smile.

Her face finally showed the anger that burned in her eyes; she growled her frustration and raised her clawed hands in the air to crash down on him like a wave of angry molten metal. He prepared for the painful impact, but he was more than surprised when Jade was thrown off of him by a bolt of electricity.

"Boy you have got to have the WORST taste in women." Commented a familiar voice playfully.

"Bee?" he asked weakly.

She squatted down next to him and smiled.

"Who else is gonna save your butt from your psycho ex girlfriends." She laughed as she reached out and ruffled his hair.

"I hate it when you do that." He smiled.

The two team members smiled at each other fondly. They didn't notice Jade having gotten up and charge at them until she appeared before them, Bumble Bee reached for her stingers but Roy knew she would not pull them out in time, he prepared for the hit as best he could when Jade was caught in the stomach and thrown back again by a staff. He turned his head to see the person holding the staff, the well known colors of red, green, and yellow registered to him first. The masked man turned to Roy his black spikey hair still managed to fall over his face slightly. He reached out a hand to him.

"Can you get up?" asked Robin.

Roy tried to sit up, the pain was overwhelming, and he fell back. Bumble Bee reached to help him up but he waived her away. He took a deep breath and tried again; he swallowed the pain, got to a sitting position and took Robin's outstretched hand. Both Robin and Bumble Bee smiled.

"You're here to help me?" asked Roy.

Robin looked at him for a moment and his face became serious.

"We're always here for you Roy, to back you up," he smiled, "or kick your ass, depending what you need."

Roy smiled. He looked kindly at the two leaders who stood before him, his friends and realized he felt as if he truly believed it for the first time. There was nothing he could do to stop what happened next, it happened in seconds, Jade appeared behind them, she kicked Robin behind the knees hard and drove him to the ground then backhanded him hard. Bumble Bee had managed to pull out one of her stingers but Jade was faster, she swiped at Bee's hand with claws forcing Bee to drop the stinger, Jade caught it and used the weapon against Bee. Roy looked in horror as both his friends dropped to the ground.

"It is so rude to intrude on a private moment between lovers." Jade hissed. Her words dripped with venom. She dropped the stinger and took a step towards Roy. "Now where were we? Oh, right." She raised her claw at him and moved to impale him.

Roy moved quickly he angled himself just enough for her arm to miss him and continued his movement to put his body behind hers, he reached down and caught the hand she had outstretched to kill him, with force he turned her arm inward, the movement and force of her own body caused her to impale herself. They were still. His own pain had been forgotten in a moment of pure adrenaline, but it all came back with a vengeance, he fell taking her with him.

He held himself enough to sit up, her head lay in his lap, and her arm was still turned in, her claw deep within her stomach. She coughed. He was in pain. Physically his body was weakening, his blood loss was great and he was sure he was dying. Emotionally, he loved this woman, or had loved her. Now he held her dying form, he had killed her. He cried silently as he stroked her hair and listened to her breaths grow weaker.

"You killed me. But I was your everything, I was all you wanted. How could you kill me?" she asked in a ragged disbelieving voice.

"You killed Raven. You stole Lian, you tried to kill me. The Jade I loved, the one I wanted a life with, she died a long time ago, it just never realized it." He whispered. He bent over and kissed her head softly.

"Find her." She whispered as her last breath slipped out. Her body faded from his arms and he gave himself a moment to mourn the loss. He looked down and saw Cheshire's mask. He reached for it and as his fingers wrapped around it and held it the mask changed into a too familiar syringe. He heard the faint sound of her laughter on the wind. A parting cut.

He stared down at the syringe. He wanted to throw it down, wanted to destroy it, but all he could do was stare at it. Stare at it and remember. He watched himself hiding from Oliver to shoot up, saw the disappointment on Dinah's face, and saw Karen trying to help him and the pain of being pushed away. He watched himself doing terrible things to get his drugs, saw the women after women he slept with to forget Jade. He watched himself go to four different dealers and get as much as he could, then walking to the docks and shooting it all into himself.

He remembered all the pain, all the sadness, all the desperation. His heart was so heavy, his mind so confused, it was all so much, how could he ever make up for it all? How could he ever be a good man? He couldn't. His pain was too great, his selfishness. His selfishness. He saw himself standing on the dock, saw the drugs starting to effect him, he heard the thought, the wish, the call to Raven.

"I don't want to die alone." Whispered the Roy who stood amongst the cargo, he fell to the ground, his eyes closed and he began to shake. Over the water came a black raven it sped to him and flew into his body. The black coated his body, he stilled, and then the black seemed to sink in.

Roy understood now, he should have died, Raven had kept him alive. She had protected him from the moment she came to him, and he had let her die.

"No more pain, no more loneliness, no more guilt." Came a whisper.

Roy looked around but saw no one.

"No more, no more. Too much pain, always alone. No more."

Roy pushed through the pain that seemed to have spread all over his body even into his throat and stood.

"Who's there?!" he shouted.

"The pain will go away, just one more time, that's all, just one more." Said the whisper.

Roy turned and found a small form, he moved closer and realized it was a man laying on the ground curled up as if he was scared. AS he got even closer he noticed the paleness of his skin, his spine protruded on his back, this man was practically a corpse.

"Are you ok?" asked Roy moving around to see the man's face.

"Just one more, then no more pain."

Roy gasped in horror as the red hair became clear and the mask became obvious. He was looking at himself. This corpse was what he had become. The corpse moved his hand and pointed weakly at Roy's hand, where he held the syringe.

"Just one more, then it's over. No more pain."

Roy took a step back he looked down at the syringe in his hand and back at the corpse again. He shook his head and was finally able to throw the syringe down. The corpse grabbed at it and held it close like a lost treasure.

"No.. I don't want to be that person anymore." Cried out Roy.

"Then don't." came a small voice behind him.

Roy turned quickly and found himself staring at a group of people, the people who had all taken turns saving him in his life. Brave Bow, Oliver, Dinah, Karen, Robin, and in front of them was the owner of the small voice, Lian. The daughter Raven had let him meet.

"You might always feel alone, but you will never be alone." Smiled Oliver.

"Straight and true." Said Brave Bow.

"You're a good man Roy, you've got more fight in you." Stated Karen.

"We've got your back Roy, always." Said Robin firmly.

"You have made mistakes, you have hurt yourself and the people who care about you, but you are still a great man Roy, we haven't given up on you, please don't give up on yourself." Dinah's voice didn't carry the anger from before, only the comfort it had always given him.

Lian walked forward and stood before him. She pulled out the pressed cherry blossom that Raven had given her. She smiled and handed it to him. He looked down at it and back up at her, she turned and joined the others.

"There will always be pain and loneliness. There will always be a reason to hide from the fear you feel. You have to find a reason to fight." She said with a small smile.

The pressed flower in his hand grew heavy he looked down at it again and thought it was longer than before. Then longer, then heavier, then longer, it grew and changed; now he held a beautiful bow with a carved blossom and a single arrow. He looked back up at them all but they were gone. He turned back to the corpse, it stood before him now, holding the syringe. The face of corpse Roy was drawn, as if he had been molded in a constant state of sadness. Roy felt a mix of emotions. This corpse was not a possible future, this was the man he was already, the man his friends already knew about, the man who had killed Raven. How could he make up for it all? The corpse offered the syringe.

Roy took a deep breath. The pain in his body doubled. There was no way he could live much longer, he felt his mind starting to fade, his legs were growing weaker. He held strongly to the bow and positioned it; he lifted the arrow into place and pulled back the string. He lined up his sight with the corpse, he knew he was dying, there was no more hope of waking up, but he would die knowing he made the right choice. He let the arrow fly, straight and true.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Muffled sounds, shouting, a loud long sound. His head slowly began to clear the sounds became recognizable, voices, panicked voices shouting. A loud steady beep. Pain hit him hard. His throat was blocked, he couldn't breathe, panic began, he turned his head, he saw Raven, he saw Cyborg holding paddles and bringing them down to her. The long beep was the sound of her dying. The pain took him back into the darkness.

His eyes fluttered open, everything was fuzzy again, but he could breathe, the pain was mostly gone. He felt afraid but he turned his head anyway, she was gone. Raven's bed was empty. He tried to look around the empty room, he found Karen sitting in a chair not far from him, she held her head in one hand, she was likely half asleep. He called out to her, his voice came out a whisper and his throat gave renewed pain as though it had been raked with Jade's claws. His whisper was enough to get her attention.

Karen rushed over to him and hugged him tightly. When she finally let him go he pointed to Raven's bed, he tried to ask but his voice wouldn't come out this time. Karen looked at the empty bed and slowly turned back to him, there was sadness in her eyes. His tears began before he realized it, he cried out, his throat felt as though it ripped and tore at the effort but his sadness over powered his pain, for a moment he had believed, had hoped, that she could survive, that he hadn't killed her. Karen grabbed him and held him close, she tried to calm him, she was talking but he couldn't hear her beyond the screams within his own mind. Finally her words broke through the surface of the raging storm of emotions.

"She's alive."

He began to calm as he absorbed the words cautiously. She held his face towards her so she knew he was listening.

"She's alive Roy, but she hasn't woken up. Richard hasn't said anything more."

He blinked at her, still absorbing and understanding slowly. She was alive. He nodded to let her know he understood. She pulled her chair over and sat down holding his hand.

"It's been a week since you first woke up. We had to medically induce another coma to detox your body of the drugs. While you both were connected we couldn't give you a full detox, we had to keep you at least partly drugged because we didn't know how the shock would affect your link with Raven. But when you woke up we, well your clean now." Her voice was quiet, she was upset. "You should be ok to move tomorrow. Look, I'm sorry Roy but we have to insist on rehab, you already have a room at a very good rehab in Gotham, it seemed like a good idea to send you away from home but somewhere we could still keep an eye on you."

She turned away from him and wiped away a tear. He squeezed her hand, she looked back and he nodded at her and tried to smile to let her know he understood and agreed. She smiled and let a tear fall. He laid back in his bed and glanced back at the empty bed where Raven had been, he wanted to know she would be ok.

"I'll keep you updated." Came a voice from the door, it was Cyborg. Roy turned and looked him, he was sure the shame he felt was clear. Cyborg stared at him for a moment.

"I'm glad you're back, we all are. But it's gonna take time." His voice held sadness and anger. He left the room.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Robin had known the moment Raven had left Roy's mind, he had felt her presence return to the other side of his wards, he had almost taken them down when he heard the shouts from the infirmary. It had taken time but they were able to get her heart back. Her vitals were low, they left her in the infirmary for a few more days. Robin finally took down his wards but he found nothing on the other side. He felt her presence, knew she was there but somehow, she wasn't.

Now he stood before her mirror, he had been hear many times in the weeks since she had been in her coma, but this time he was afraid of what he would find. He remembered how her mind had been after Eric and her baby. It broke his heart to imagine her that way again. He took a deep breath and attempted to enter Nevermore.

At first he was excited to find he had made it through, but one glance around and he was terrified. The sky held no stars, it was black, darker than it had ever been and there were strange tears, as if the sky were literally falling. The road that had extended into the various parts of her mind was shattered; he stood on a floating rock. Everywhere he looked Nevermore was in ruin.

"She's dying." Came a voice from behind him. It was Love. "I am the last, Trust, a combination of Bravery and Wisdom, died not long ago, sacrificed herself to give Raven the last bit of strength to survive the separation from Roy's mind."

"Is there no hope?" his voice came out broken.

"I told you once Love will remain with you until you're dying breath, I am still here, so there is still hope." She smiled lightly.

"What do I need to do?" he asked quickly.

"Leave."

He stepped back as if he had been struck.

"You do not belong here; the healing is hard and long. Raven is essentially dead, she must rebuild herself. You are not a part of her; your presence will weaken her. You must go, do not come back."

"But I can help, like last time." He cried out.

"Last time it was heart and spirit that were injured, she needed comfort and support. Now her soul self has all but been destroyed, you helped her wake from the shock of her loss so she could begin to heal, now there is no one to wake. Her healing can't begin with a foreign presence in her mind, you must leave. Now." She stepped forward and pushed him softly.

He was cast out of Nevermore, he reached for the mirror but it no longer responded to him. When he returned to the infirmary he found that her entire body was covered in her black energy. They moved her to her own room, once she was placed in her bed the energy spread until they could no longer see her form, she was in a cocoon of her own making. Robin silently prayed.


	27. Final Chapter

Chapter 27

Roy entered rehab as planned; he hadn't seen any of the other Titans since he had woken up. When he had first woken up most of them had been eager to see him, but when he had been placed back into a coma to clean out the remaining drugs, they had each realized they needed time. Roy understood.

He hadn't been able to sleep at first; his fear of waking up still trapped in his mind was powerful. When he did finally sleep it was dark, there were no dreams just silence and darkness. After a few weeks it began to change, he was able to make changes. He turned his darkness into an everlasting sunset all the hues of red, orange and hints of blue, pinks, and purple painted the sky. He made a lake and a small garden filled with cherry blossom trees, a stone path that lead to a small fountain and a stone bench. It was peaceful and quiet. There were no other people in his dreams, but he never felt alone.

He had been in rehab for a month before he heard anything about Raven. She still hadn't woken up. Robin said she was out of danger at least, that her mind and soul were healing. She had almost ripped herself apart to save him. Roy was glad he could not go anywhere; this news had brought out so many of his darker thoughts. But he was open and honest; he talked to his therapist and to Karen. They each helped him deal with his guilt.

That same night, when he was alone in his little sunset garden he saw her. It was brief, but she was there, at the edge of the cherry blossom trees. She looked at him and he at her but they said nothing, she was gone a few seconds later, but it was enough to give him hope.

**AN: I hope you have all enjoyed this Dream Within a Dream, I have enjoyed writing it and your feedback. The first chapter of the next story will probably be out within the next week or two. Thank you! R&R please! :)**


End file.
